The cold is here!

Damn! October 30th and it's below 30! Not ready for that yet, but what can we do? Hot totties and good company help for sure! Anyone up for a date? Let me know when and I'll start mixing up the drinks! The week is going well despite the typical head colds and aches that the cold brings! Carved pumpkins last night with the family, talked to my brother in Senegal and watched a movie with my husband! Like I said, all is well...in disbelief that we're at the end of October already! Soon I'll be rambling about Thanksgiving recipes and plans for Christmas Eve! With the economy so bad, I don't know if we'll be as lavish as in years past, but you never know!

Well, since I don't have much to philosophize or bitch about today, I'll keep this entry short..who knows?! Maybe this afternoon will bring something juicy my way! I can only hope....:)

The REAL truth in 45 minutes!

It's amazing how much can be accomplished in a 45 minutes conversation, especially when it is between 2 people who understand one another and actually want to communicate...too often we talk with others who have no real interest in communication, but rather involve themselves in a basic exchange of information....ok, before I start to ramble, let me get to my point!
So I had lunch with my dear friend Spence, who is like a brother to me! We bullshit; we get serious, but mostly we laugh! Yesterday our conversation got a bit existential and Spence said something that really stuck with me...true love exists when you're not looking for your partner to complete you! Something that makes sense but that goes against the grain of popular culture...think Jerry McGuire..."you complete me..." Think about all those crazy love songs..."How can I live without you?..." The list can go on and on....
When you're a whole person and you fall in love it's because that other individual takes you to a higher level...lifts your spirits, in good times and bad! We were talking about past and present relationships and how the older we get the more complete individuals we become, free from definition by association...we're not who we are because we are the children of, the parents of, the partner of, etc. We are who WE are, and because of that, all of our relationships grow richer! Many might know this, but how many of us truly function under this premise? Could it be that most relationships fail because people look to define themselves by the relationship, or could it be that they are simply looking for that person to fill a need or void and when that happens, everything else begins to fall apart? I'm sure Spence and I don't have all the answers, but we like to amuse ourselves pretending like we do...at least for 45 minutes! There's something about those end of January aquarius people in my life! Glad I have you...you definitely lift me up! (Sorry for the sappiness, Steph! LOL)

Finding an outlet

So after having such a hard week at work, I was really looking forward to this weekend...I wanted to have fun, unwind and forget about all the DRAMA this week brought my way...perhaps that I sought out...but that's another topic....

ANYWAY...this morning presented me with the routine of my daughter's gymnastic and dance classes...a brief visit with a friend and then we headed down to my school for the annual Fall Festival....All was fine, but I reached home looking for some excitement, something to break from the ordinary and all I found was laundry, a sick son and husband, and a messy house! Not exactly what I had in mind! Too sick to go out...too broke to go shopping for no reason...too cold to finish up yard work by myself....so I just looked for every way possible to avoid housework. That didn't last too long, however, as I was quickly bored with You Tube and started on laundry, cleaning up the house, putting away unnecessary toys, etc. I found myself with energy that needed to be spent and not enough to keep my mind busy! Exercising just wasn't an option as I am feeling on the borderline of getting sick myself and did not want to push it...so long story short...I continued with my routine activities and here I am rambling about nothing in an attempt to give some meaning to this gloomy, fall day! Hopefully this cold season will bring lots of sunshine with it 'cause I need every ounce I can get! I must return to my exercise routine that I have recently fallen out of due to the demands of life...but no more excuses! Amidst my attempt to clean up today I finally found my "skinny" pictures that I have spent the last 4 months looking for (been wanting to use them as inspiration!)...funny part is that my husband breathed a sigh of relief and then laughed when I showed them to him....relief because my OCD will be satisfied for the day and laughter because the prospect of either one of us returning to our bodies of years past seems hilarious to him...WE'LL SEE! My friend Stephanie told me a few months ago that my energy and zest for life during the summer helped restart her journey to better health and body, so now I'm looking for her transformation to do the same for me! Send me some of those good vibrations, girl! I so desperately need them as the fall gloom descends on us here in MI!

Well, that's enough rambling for the day...think I'll retire to the living room to give my hubby the TLC he needs...hoping that the bright spot in my day is still to come....

Loving Michael and beyond

Life is funny sometimes....it definitely brings you challenges beyond belief, but then when you least expect it, a ray of sunshine comes beaming through and brightens your whole day...gives you some perspective and makes you realize that NOTHING is so important so as to keep you from smiling at least once daily. So yesterday was one of those days.....shit came at me from every angle....especially at work! I got it at the building level, the district level, and unfortunately even at the state level.....absolutely exhausting! It was also one of those days that I was just RUNNING non-stop! Even at Naji's therapy I fielded at lest 5 calls on both my personal and work cell phones...the day just wouldn't stop...and then it happened! The sunshine came beaming in and blinded me! After some good laughs with people on the phone and the group of therapists who see Naji, a good friend revealed to me that she too loves Michael...Thriller to be more precise...and it didn't stop there! We went on to talk about the Violent Femmes, the Cure, the Rocky Horror Picture Show...and we laughed...and we laughed... and we laughed...and that was great! The sunshine didn't stop there though....I got home to a phenomenal meal....great company and an understanding husband! Like I said...when you least expect it...that sunshine just comes barreling in! I love it! It warms me from the inside out and there's no better feeling in this world! :)

Looking for the bright side!

So yesterday I talked about seeking out the positives, and believe me, today I tried my hardest to do that but seemed to encounter intense emotions at every turn! Emotions of anger, hurt, disbelief, sadness, and random moments of joy here and there! Work presented MANY challenges today, including a possible problem with our school regarding testing issues! Lunch with one of my dearest friends was intense as we spoke about our connection, his struggle processing his mom's recent passing, and our anxieties about the current state of the world! Therapy for my son with Theresa and Kristin brought on many tears as I processed my feelings about his conference with them! Those tears, though, also brought on feelings of joy as I felt loved, supported and most importantly understood! Home also presented me with intensity as I conversed with my husband Felipe about my day and he shared with me his frustrations about his new job. My heart breaks for him as he truly feels unfulfilled by and unconnected to his students and teaching environment! He truly is one of my heroes...although we have our moments of conflict...his strength, determination, passion, and commitment to and for our family never ceases to amaze me! He has sacrificed so much for our collective happiness, but I fear he has lost himself in the process! I want nothing more than for him to be happy, but all I can do is support him on his journey....and be understanding of his struggles! So as I sit here writing this, I realize that this blog and my endless ranting is allowing me to process these emotions...to work through their intensity and to help me find that brighter side of life!

When I signed in to post my thoughts for today, I encountered a comment posted by Stephanie to one of my previous entries....reading her comment definitely brought out one of the brightest moments of my day! Although we've been friends for nearly 30 (that's right girl...30!) years, Stephanie has never meant as much to me as she has in the last 3 years! She has been there as a support for me when my life seemed to be falling apart, and I will forever hold her close in my heart! Thank you for your love, for your support and for making me laugh!

Well, I think I've processed enough for now....I want to go join my husband on the couch...let him know how much I love and appreciate him and all he brings to my life....that for sure will be the brightest moment of my day!

Focusing on the positive

Today has been quite trying and rather emotional! I've come to realize that most people can only function with HIGH levels of drama in their lives....so much energy lost on creating and maintaining conflicts...so little on positive actions and looking for the bright side of life! What a damn shame! Just think of what would happen if we all just tapped into more positive aspects of life...if we searched for potential instead of deficits..endless possibilities instead of endless limitations! Can you imagine a life where people smile more often than frown? It's hard to visualize in these times...given our world-wide economic and social strife...but a more nurturing and loving environment must be our end goal--our daily mission! We MUST put our energy to that end otherwise we are a hopeless cause as a species! Not to be dramatic or anything!

This problem in our world was never as apparent to me as it was today when I went to Parent Teacher conferences for my special needs child. His teachers and therapists did not ONCE mention any positives, any growth or any potential! All they could do was highlight all of his deficits, challenges and barriers! They see my son, who has made tremendous strides in the last 4 months (thanks to two AMAZING non-school based therapists--Kristin and Theresa), as a child who is lacking. Because of this, all they can see is what he can't do! Yet Kristin and Theresa, although very aware of his challenges, treat my son based on his potential....they see him for what he is---a beautiful soul that has nowhere to go but up! For this I am grateful....for their energy, for their belief in focusing on the positives...and for giving me hope that we are not all lost causes! When I think of his teachers and school therapists, I become angry that those people are able to transmit their pessimistic attitude and energy to my son; yet the comfort and hope offered to me by Kristin and Theresa cancel out those feelings so greatly that I CAN'T HELP BUT SMILE! Thanks ladies! Thanks for your attitude, your energy, your love for my son, and your support...you'll never know how much it fills my heart!

Learning to Feel

I must say I feel blessed today! Not only do I feel that my husband of almost 12 years and I have hit a new stride, but my friendships are blossoming in a way that also fill my heart with love! For the first time in a long while, I feel connected to many people--connected in a way that fills my spirit. I now go to sleep at night with a smile on my face--not only because I have touched others' lives, but because I have allowed myself to be reached as well. When we turn ourselves over to others in a complete way and become vulnerable to our feelings, we can truly reach a state of bliss. That level of connectivity is priceless! I care deeply for my family and my dear friends who offer me this ability to connect and, most importantly, to feel. I've come to realize recently as I have struggled with new challenges in life--finding balance in marriage, coping with a special needs child, nurturing my amazing daughter, and settling into new career paths for both myself and my husband--that life is meant to be felt. For so long I multi-tasked and micro-managed my life that I became well versed in subtracting emotion, especially when it got in the way of completing tasks. We must feel--happiness, anger, sadness, joy--whatever the feeling is we must allow it to run its course. We cannot deny ourselves this process, as all we achieve when we do are greater levels of frustration in nearly all aspects of life. I am happy today because I took the time to feel--to revel in each moment of happiness, joy, sadness, anxiety and satisfaction that I have experienced since the time I got out of bed this morning. From feeling appreciated at work and being greeted lovingly by my family to the incredibly intense moments of sadness and joy experienced in conversations with friends, I have allowed my emotions to enter my life, and I am a more complete person because of this. Hope you can learn to feel as I have because it is tremendously liberating and simply wonderful!

Just getting started...

Since so many of those I love have started their own blogs, I thought I'd join the ranks! I am a 34 year old woman who happens to also be a mother, wife, friend, and school principal. I used to define myself with a laundry list of accomplishments and what I offer to others, but I have recently begun to define myself through self-examination as a very unique, thoughtful, and sensitive woman that has a great deal to contributre to the universe. So, through this blog, I will attempt to share my insights, first as a strong woman, but also a a person who sees life through many perspectives. I hope that by sharing some of my own insights, others will find a connection, a possible outlet for their own self-examination. For it is only when we look within ourselves for peace and happiness that we are able to offer these gifts to the world!