Pajama days

So now that I've been on vacation for over 1 week, I must say that life is so much more enjoyable when it can be lived at a relaxed pace! Although prepping for Christmas Eve was a lot of work, I've enjoyed my time at home, with my husband and kids....all of whom happen to be in decent moods as they are relaxed as well! I've also enjoyed the ability to DO NOTHING and not feel guilty about it! Today is the second day on vacation that I have spent all of my time in pajamas....lounging, doing a load or two of laundry, playing with my children, LAUGHING with my husband, catching up with old friends (FACEBOOK IS AMAZINGLY SURREAL!), reading, and even getting romantic...imagine that...happiness in life thanks to some much needed time off! Rest is by far one of the most undervalued commodities in life, yet it is such a necessity! We all run at such a crazed pace in our daily routines, that when we get time to truly disconnect, not obey schedules, and find the time for EVERYTHING, it helps to put into perspective how indispensable rest is for all of us!
I realize that at times, I, like many others, fear time off, fear rest, fear relaxation because so much free time forces us to stop and be with ourselves...it offers us the opportunity to see ourselves for who we are, what we like, how we function...and that, for many, is too much to handle at times, so we just keep running, avoiding rest, avoiding time off, avoiding relaxation! Scary thought, but oh so true!
I'm relieved that with this break and my time off, I've come to see myself as a person I like...someone who I want to be...no longer wishing I was someone else, or living some other life! I admit that there are times when I would like a re-do or the ability to change some realities, but at this point in time, I am happy with my existence....I am happy with life! Hopefully come January 5th, I'll be able to ride this wave of contentment for awhile as I resume my crazed pace!

Peace...a true wonder!

Well it's been 2 weeks since I last did an entry, but as all of you know the holiday season is VERY busy! Last Friday I received the first of many great gifts that this season has brought me thus far when there was such a large snow storm that the last day of school before Christmas vacation was canceled! Nothing like a long break to renew the spirit, get such much needed rest, and spend some quality time with friends and family! Up until that day I had been running from one spot to the next trying to make sure I was keeping up with life...Christmas recitals, therapy, gifts for staff, teachers, etc. Last Friday brought my life to a screeching halt as there was so much snow we didn't even leave the house! It was like being thrown into a lake without knowing how to swim...I was forced to relax...it was very peaceful! Saturday we had some of our dearest friends over for our first "game night" and had a great deal of fun, and Sunday I spent the day preparing for my brother's surprise arrival from Senegal for the holidays....like I said I've received some great gifts so far! Today I spent the day relaxed at home baking, visiting with my brother, having a drink with a friend and then finally stepping out to shop for our Christmas Eve feast! I feel genuinely happy at this point in time! I got a great email about purging all that is no longer needed in my life and it really hit home. The last couple days I have experienced many moments of joy and my spirit feels at ease...truly peaceful! It is such a sublime feeling that it has made me think about holding onto it so that when those moments of anger and frustration come my way, as they inevitably will, I can remember how wonderful I am feeling right now. I sadly must say that this feeling is too rare in my life and that my New Year's resolution is to make it a more frequent occurrence. I consider myself blessed to know what peace feels like, especially in these times of such uncertainty, but I must remember that it is I who can control how peaceful my daily life is--it is I who can tune out the stress, the drama, and the daily attacks on my inner peace!
I must say that I am looking forward to the next 2 weeks as I will have the opportunity to truly spread my wings and enjoy life for a bit! I am rather bummed out that some of what I had planned will have to wait since my "Steph" won't be here, but nevertheless, I am determined to make the most of my time. Life is way too short to dwell on what isn't...we have to focus on what is and come to peace with it...revel in it and enjoy life to its fullest!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! I love each and every person who has touched my life and helped me become who I am, but I am especially grateful to those of you I hold dear in my heart....you know who you are! Join me during these specials days in trying to find your own inner peace and give thanks for that feeling of bliss!

Figuring out life one day at a time

I've realized over the last few days that part of my discontent lately stems from the lack of self-acceptance that broods in me daily. My last entry attempted to touch on this horrible practice, but there is a huge gap in my life between knowing what I should do to make things better and actually doing it. I would even go so far as to say that in this way I am not unlike so many that I know--great at giving out advice to others and horrible at applying it to our own circumstances. It is so much easier to reflect on others' issues, but most of the time we don't want to turn the looking glass onto ourselves for inner reflection. As I have said repeatedly, I have to take one day at a time and figure out life slowly---revel in the joys and learn from the challenges that enter my life daily. I say it, but I really need to DO it.

I had a bad bout with my OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) this weekend....lost a case for my work-issued phone and literally drove everyone around me crazy because I couldn't find it! I also couldn't function in a normal way AT ALL...so strung out about a damn phone case! Now I can look back and laugh at how ridiculous I was and how awful I become when this happens. I laugh because I really caused no true harm to anyone, and laughing is a better option than getting down on myself about this one personality trait that I have. The case is still missing, but oh well! If it doesn't turn up, I'll buy a new one and life will go on! The whole experience showed me, yet again, how I need to laugh at myself more and not take myself so seriously all the time! So I've been able to squeeze a positive out of that otherwise negative situation, and really, that's what we all need to try to do on a regular basis...spin that shit around so that it works for us and helps us grow!

I've been struggling with myself, however, for quite a long time about my constant state of unrest...always looking for the next best thing...never truly satisfied with what I have before me! Sometimes this is good because it pushes me to excel, but most of the times it creates deep feelings of inadequacy for myself, in my marriage, with my kids, etc. I do give thanks on a daily basis, but lately I feel that I need to find some other way to appreciate all I have...maybe time away from it all would help give me perspective...not to mention a well-needed rest, yet, I know that true change will only happen when I reach that state of contentment with my life circumstances as they are...when I stop hoping for something more...something better! I've said it in previous entries...what I have is pretty great, now I just need to allow myself to enjoy it all...

I truly believe that my most recent OCD attack happened to send me the "slow down" message that life makes sure gets to me at least quarterly.

I know it may seem that I vacillate from entry to entry on this blog between feelings of optimism and feelings of despair...and, actually that's pretty much what is happening because of this internal unrest I constantly battle! I realize that life is a daily journey and that we all have to work arduously to make each day its very best! I know this, I know this, I know this...now I just have to believe it...believe it...believe it....

When talking the other day with a friend, the statement "well, we all have to find our own path on which to travel..." came out in our conversation...soooooooo true it is, but like I said to her..."some of us are still on the path of discovery, hoping to find that one road that leads to our happiness--with potholes, detours, and everything else that comes along the way!" All I can say to all of you is GOOD LUCK on finding your path, because I'm still searching for mine, and the curving, winding road I'm on now is very challenging!

Battling our own demons

Ladies, have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and found 1,000 things wrong? Or how about looking into that same mirror and saying, "yeah, not so bad!" Well I'm sure that if you are like me, more often than not you've reacted in the first way....finding things wrong that no one else sees! The problem is that we don't only do it for our outside flaws, but for our inside ones as well! Most women are very critical of themselves and are truly their own worst enemies. I know there are about 1 million reasons why we are like this...(battling throughout history and across most cultures to be considered, recognized, and exalted for the strength we do possess-being a MAJOR one!)...but we really do need to stop tearing ourselves down! We all know that most men do not have this problem...they have other ones...but most men look in that mirror and see themselves both inside and out and say, "hey, not too shabby!" There is a lesson to learn in their self-esteem, even when in some cases it is their way to overcompensate for larger CHARACTER flaws! Most men do not tear each other down the way we do; they do not get hung up on whether or not they're too fat, thin, short, tall, etc. They do not over-analyze everything they say, do, think, etc.

Now I'm not saying we should be just like them...I LIKE being emotional, insightful, sensitive, aware, understanding, etc...but I do think I, like many other women, need to learn to be more accepting of myself...more willing to just say, "ok, I am who I am and I'm going to live life regardless of my mishaps or missteps!" I wake up everyday and try to avoid the mirror not wanting to see myself with all the extra weight; I whined for days about my haircut a few weeks back; and I'm always being tough on myself for not being a better mom, wife, friend, etc...and MOST of my female friends do the same thing...they beat themselves up and hold on to guilt, hold on to hurt, hold on to disappointment...but, enough is enough! We need to give up this very unhealthy and unproductive practice, ladies! We need some more self-lovin'...(and some of us would feel much better if we got some other kind of lovin' too-haha)!

Yesterday I had two separate conversations with two different and very dear friends who were going through moments of frustration, self-doubt, anxiety, etc....Their issues made me think about my own and about this whole topic, and I just have to get something off my chest!

To those of my DEAR female friends who are reading this, I just want to say...I LOVE YOU...everything about you...your craziness..your quirkiness...your wild ways...your fears...your anxieties...your insecurities...the whole package! Don't change! Let's stand together and say we are who we are...let's celebrate it...all of it without regrets, realizing our past---everything about it--has helped us become the wonderful women we are today! Let's start the new year with a promise to love ourselves more and to be grateful EVERY day for who we are! And remember...when all else may seem lost, we have each other...FOREVER!

Light/Dark; Strong/Weak

Ok, I need to start this entry prefacing the fact that I just came from one of my Monday lunches with Spence, and our conversations sometimes get pretty intense! He said two things that really stuck out to me...obvious, but so true!
1) The strong cannot and should not pretend to be weak to make the weak feel stronger, and 2) light and dark cannot exist in the same space---these opposites simply do not mesh. Like I said, obvious, but profoundly deep! How many of us find ourselves in relationships where we sacrifice our spirit for the sake of making the other person feel better about themselves? Some of us experience this at work, at home, with friends, etc., but so few are willing to break the cycle of dependency that this situation creates. So many continue to dim their internal lights from shining brightly when they find themselves beside someone who insists on functioning in the dark. Like I said in previous entries...I cannot live in the dark and my light has to shine brightly because the dimmer switch is broken! I realize that we all are in different phases of life...different seasons as Spence said...but I will no longer let someone's dreary Michigan winter affect my sunny Hawaiian summer! (ha ha)

That's not to say that it doesn't rain once in awhile for me, but I prefer a forecast of sun than one of overcast skies....a horizon open to possibilities, rather than a dark shadow casting off hope! Rather philosophical for a Monday morning after a holiday break, don't you think? Well, I tell ya...these lunches are filling, even if we're not eating all that much! The great dialogue coupled with the fact that I enjoyed a long weekend with lots of laughter, relaxation, and good family time helps with the joyful disposition on a day like today when most people are dragging and bitching about being back to work! I feel renewed and extremely blessed to have such insightful people in my life..they help me take stock every so often and appreciate all I have! At this point, I want to focus my energy on enjoying the present...the holidays around the corner, fun gatherings with friends and family, only 3 weeks of school left before a real vacation (the first I've had since April)....with so much in front of me at this time, I have no energy left to worry about what might be...what could happen...what needs to get done...I just plan to take each moment as it comes (at least based on my perspective today!) and enjoy each one for what it is!

Read the following and reflect...goes well with these thoughts!

The Invitation—Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Taking a moment to breathe!

Yesterday I was out of commission as I received a visit from my long lost friend, Señor Stomach Flu! It had been two years almost to the day that I had last seen my friend, and I must say I would have not minded never seen him again! By far the stomach flu is the WORST! Constant trips to the bathroom...paying homage to the porcelain god without having some crazy story of debauchery to go along with it is no fun at all! Today, needless to say, I have returned to a healthier state...still a bit weak, but back to life as normal...work, therapy, home, kids, chores, etc! But during my down time yesterday...when my head hurt too much to read and watching lots of TV was out of the question...(too many food commercials and cooking shows due to the holidays)...I spent a great deal of time thinking and reflecting on life...in general, but also on mine specifically.
I took stock of all my blessings...a wonderful family, great friends, a good job...and then I asked myself...why do I bitch so much? There are soooooooo many people suffering right now....the economy is hit, jobs are disappearing, depression and crime are on the rise, relationships are ending all around me, yet life still goes on for all of these people. With the holidays around the corner, I took my down time to think about all I have to be grateful for, and I realized that my blessings far out way my burdens. This led me to thinking that the concept of "giving thanks" really needs to be daily...just like Oprah, the Secret, and soooooooo many others have been talking about for years! If we just took 5 minutes every day to journal, reflect or even verbally express those things we're thankful for, our daily burdens would seem so much lighter!

I'm thankful for my amazing mother who is truly the most selfless person I know. That selflessness had been a tremendous source of support, but in turn has taught me how important it is in life to be selfish...to never forget or lose yourself when serving others...which unfortunately is what she has done too many times....

I am thankful for my husband and two children...our life together has been very trying, yet has also led me down the road of personal and emotional growth...Steph pointed out to me the other day that it is amazing all these great people I have found in my life as of late....so true, and I must say that my family circumstances have guided me to these people, to their support, insight, and love...

I'm thankful for my brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, etc...All of their different points of view and life experiences help me become a stronger, more well-rounded individual...and each one of them has had a part in my formation...

I'm thankful for my career which has also allowed me to meet and network with great diversity, and has even allowed me to form some spectacular relationships...some true friendships that will be with me for life!

I never thought that Señor Stomach flu would bring about such gratitude...but it just goes to show how even during the WORST moments, one can be enlightened!

Falling back into life!

So on Tuesday and Wednesday of this week I had a mini vacation...some time just to let loose and have fun...and now I have returned to the realities of my life! I am a very busy woman who holds many titles and fills many roles for many people...that's it...nothing complicated! That small bite of free spirited fun was delicious, but its aftertaste has left a little bitterness in my mouth!
Last night I felt so depressed I was nearly in tears...about what, you may ask? Well, not quite sure...could be hormonal, but more likely than not it was feeling like my mid week escapade left me desiring more...more free time...less schedules...less responsibilities...more time to just be crazy! I know it's normal and that I'm not the only mom or parent out there who wishes they could return to their pre-children lives, but I even began to question last night if getting out is smart for me because the return to normalcy is such a downer! It felt so great to party, come in at a late hour, not go to work, not care for kids, not cook or clean, not be a slave to a schedule, go to a movie, etc., that the return to routine life has left me feeling sooooooooo unfulfilled! Now I know that it is healthy to get out...wonderful to let loose once in awhile, but I was thinking...damn, I want this all the time! To hell with my wonderful, stable life....to hell with my career and family! (HAHA) But, really....when I truly think about this topic for a minute I become sad that daily life is so serious all the time...If we all just laughed a little more, the routine would be more bearable...hey, maybe even enjoyable! I'm not going to dwell too much on this because I recognize it for what it is...I do in fact like my life, but I must say spicing it up like I did this week was much needed....now I just have to find a way to do that more often!

Religulous

Well, yesterday after taking time to recuperate from my Madonna escapade, I met up with a friend to go see Bill Maher's documentary about religion, Religulous....It was great! Whether you're a fan or not, Bill Maher is genius and his talent for cynicsm, sarcasm and challenging long-known "truths" is remarkable! The basic premise is that religion and the blind faith associated with the big 3--Christianity, Judaism and Islam (not Ford, Chrysler and GM for those of you stuck on the auto industry mess)--is what sits at the root of most human conflict, and has done so for quite some time...um, let's say the past 2-3, 000 years?! The movie is comical, but most of the time I sat in disbelief and disgust at the people with whom Bill Maher talked....complete and utter idiots for the most part....the only saving grace was a veteran Vatican priest who recognized the whole scam that religion runs on people....great moment in the film!
Now, I don't mind people with faith---belief in a higher power or force that guides the actions of the universe! I respect them and their ability to choose and support their beliefs, in the hopes that they in turn respect me and my beliefs (even though my cynical side tells me that they probably pray for my soul's salvation--guess it can't hurt!). I even find myself jealous at times of those with blind faith because life is MUCH easier for them to deal with...much easier to keep blinders on than to see what the light brings in...ever hear of Plato and his cave theory? I actually did graduate work in this area and still refer to it frequently...those who live in a cave are generally happier, because they know no other reality...yet as soon as that light seeps in and their reality begins to change, they are no longer content with their existence in the cave...sort of how I feel..."The more I live the more I learn...the more I learn the more I realize the less I know!(Barbara in Yentl) Makes sense, right? Life offers me a bevy of experiences on a daily basis that inspire me to explore even more points of views, venues, cultures, etc. I can't live with the blinders on, or in the cave....good luck to those of you that choose to!
This is why I find myself, with every day that passes, more and more open, some would say liberal, some crazy! But I would not want it any other way! Aren't we here on this earth together...shouldn't we learn how to co-exist instead of how to dominate one another? Shouldn't we be offering more freedoms and equalities for all instead of limiting them with ridiculous political, economic and social policies?
I'm glad I have this blog because I can't express myself this way with most people in my life without causing major strife....So be it; this is after all JUST ME!

The long awaited Madonna concert

Since August when I purchased the tickets, I have been anxiously awaiting the big day...yesterday, November 18th! My first Madonna concert...and what an amazing experience it was! That woman does not have an ounce of body fat on her; her energy level is unfaltering; and her show's production is truly spectacular! After a very late start, Madonna took the stage and literally did not stop for 2 hours....neither did I, but my movement didn't even begin to mirror hers! I so thoroughly enjoyed the evening, that I had to take a personal day today from work just to recuperate...When I got up this morning, I still could feel the excessive amounts of alcohol that I ingested rushing through my system...like rapids on the Colorado river! It has been MANY years since I let loose like I did last night, and oh how wonderful it was! My husband and I pre-partied for 3 hours with a couple of friends, danced the whole concert long with a different pair of friends, and, simply stated, had a blast doing it! I have even discovered bruises on my legs this morning from all the banging against the seat backs in front of me that I must have got while dancing....crazy! I must say that I was a bit worried that the night might not measure up to my anticipation...but it truly did! I had so much fun that I've decided that I need to let go like that more often..."Getting into the groove" and partying with friends definitely helps battle that feeling of being stuck in the mommy role....So if you're feeling like that from time to time, turn on some music and let yourself go...tremendous release....(just don't ingest ridiculous amounts of alcohol....not so great the next day!)
One side note...we were somewhat disappointed in the people of Detroit and how they responded to such a great show....When the concert ended and she said goodnight....everyone just started to exit....no one screamed, yelled or demanded more....no one begged to hear Express Yourself or Deeper and Deeper...they simply got their coats and began to leave! I have NEVER been to a concert that did not have even ONE encore! REALLY? I couldn't believe it! Even symphony concerts have encores! What's that all about? Were people bored, tired, or just simply worried about getting home so that they could get up for work? I don't get it....it really bothered my husband who felt rather cheated out because the Detroit crowd was so boring! Whatever! I didn't let it get to me that deeply, but believe me that reaction confirmed my desire to leave this place even more....! I must stop now because my head is still spinning! Hoping that the good times keep rolling, I will go rest for the next round!

Understanding real learning

Well I have yet to spread my intellectual wings on this blog, so here I go! I won't get too technical, but I feel compelled to share a bit about some new insights.

As the principal of a dual-language immersion, public PK-8 school, I face the daunting challenges of educating our youth in today's world on a daily basis. Despite all the barriers they, the children, and we, the educators, have to encounter (funding, appropriate materials and supplies, parental support, etc.), I still manage to find some glimmer of hope for our future. I say glimmer because the state of public education in our country is beyond dismal...it is so utterly disintegrated, that I believe we will not see significant change for at least another generation. However, a conference I attended last week offered me a bit of hope...a small sign that the field of education is not dead, but just drowning, muffled, merely hanging on for dear life before going totally under!

A group call Scientific Learning (look them up on the web) came to a meeting for principals to market their support programs for struggling learners. Their product is based on extensive brain research and actually embraces very progressive thoughts about how individuals learn. Many people in the scientific community have understood for years that learning is not static, nor is the brain a fixed entity. Yet these concepts have never truly been adopted in the educational community. Children are still labeled, told they simply do not have the intellect, and left to their own devices to basically fail in a system that provides no real support or outlet for them. Now, I'm not just speaking of special needs students or even bilingual learners, but of all students in every mainstream classroom. How many children who struggle with spelling , memorization or mathematics processing are simply given a failing grade because the methods employed to teach them simply do not meet the mark? Even strategies that target the multiple intelligences are often leaving many students behind as the real issues concerning their "learning challenges" do not get addressed. This group's presentation shows that after accepting the brain to be "elastic,"educators at the university level decided to study how certain skills are acquired by the brain...which parts or areas of the brain are functioning when spelling, computing math problems, understanding complex theories, etc? After determining this with functional MRIs, these scientists and educators then collaborated to determine when the stimulation of these cerebral areas take place in development...how significantly poor prenatal care, poor nutrition, TV , etc. play a part in the brain's development. For example, if letter recognition begins at the young age of two months, yet a child is never read to at that age or never exposed to verbal communication, that child, more likely than not, will fall behind in reading and spelling skills. Because of this, that child will be challenged at every turn in the educational setting and more than likely begin to fail...possibly be labeled "learning disabled" and simply thought of as "not as smart" as his/her peers. Well, the product this company offers asseses the processing skills of all students to help identify which areas of their brains need more stimulation...more exercise. We all know that, just like when we work out, more exercise leads to stronger muscles, and that even after a hiatus from our work-out routines, our muscles maintain memory and can quickly rebound once exercised again. Well, the brain is no different---we need to stimulate, exercise, and train those parts of the brain that are not working up to standard for these children. Perhaps they lacked the stimulation at some pivotal points of development; perhaps their genetic make up prevented a few key connections in brain development to take place, and we must learn how to optimize what connections they do have; perhaps we need to retrain educators in the idea that all learners are in fact different and need to be addressed according to their needs.

Public education has rebuked this notion because the mere idea of how to fund individualized instruction is overwhelming. They cannot possibly entertain the idea that everyone can learn--at their own pace, in their own way! Pubic education simply cannot handle this, and I not sure if it is even reasonable for it to do so. Yet we must change how we think about education. The trends and research show that increased technology has dumbed down our intellect. We have not trained or worked-out the brain appropriately, and now our children and our world are paying the price. Like I said before, this is not new to anyone who has taken the time to read up and follow scientific brain research, but education is FINALLY recognizing this information. I have invited this group to my school to train my teachers, but most of my principal colleagues brushed it off as they feel it is just another product line trying to promote their sales. I actually cannot buy the program for my school (price tag is upwards of $20, 000 for the entire school) but the company is willing to offer the training because they are dedicated to this shift in education. I applaud their efforts, and this product does offer me hope that real, meaningful learning can start to take place for children otherwise deemed as "lacking."

Well, I'll stop there because the constraints of time and energy are limiting me from diving any deeper into this issue right now, but believe me....this is a VERY deep one...perhaps bottomless! HOPE YOU LOOK INTO THIS COMPANY; HOPE YOU READ UP ON BRAIN RESEARCH, AND HOPE YOU THINK TWICE ABOUT DEVELOPMENT THE NEXT TIME YOU TURN ON THAT TV FOR YOUR LITTLE ONE!

Enough whining already!

Ok...for the last 2 days I have been whining! Yes, that's right! Whining about a new hair cut and today, or at least by 3:00pm today, I've decide that enough is enough! It's starting to grow on me, and frankly I realize that it will eventually grow back and fill in the way I want....so as they say in Spanish, ajo y agua! (Fuck it and go on!) Great saying...we all should use it more often! I also realized that none of my drama really matters so I need to release it....there are much bigger issues out there to deal with! Not to mention the fact that it was only one week ago that I was fretting about my son's situation...amazing how much can change in a week....definetley has given me some perspective!
I plan on working out later tonight and hope to also get some shopping in so as to make the best of this rather dreary, November day! Lot's of sad news came my way today, including a death in the family and my brother's car accident in Senegal, but nevertheless, I'm trying to make the best of it all!
Looking forward to the holiday season and hoping that lots of joy comes my way! Well, I'll keep it short for now... just want to share one last thought before I sign off...
I am very grateful for all of you in my life who read this blog, listen to my rants, put up with my preaching, and love me for who I am...without any doubt it is due to all of you that I am able enjoy my day-to-day existence! I love each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart!

Zumba and more!

Tonight I go to my Zumba class and I am so looking forward to it! I need the rush that comes with great exercise to lift my spirit and brighten my mood...

Yesterday I was very happy, but as the day went by, I became increasingly filled with anxiety...about what? Who knows! I have always been a sound sleeper, but last night I woke up every hour on the hour, for no particular reason! I was exhausted when I went to bed, but just couldn't seem to stay asleep! Could be excessive amounts of caffeine, or possibly some other issue that is playing havoc on my subconscious...whatever it is has made me VERY tired! I'm going to try to make it to and thru Zumba without drinking that extra cup of coffee today so that when I'm finished I'll feel rejuvenated, cleansed and actually ready to rest!

I can't tell you how much the exercise helps! For those of you who do it regularly, you know what I'm talking about! That feeling of euphoric exhaustion that comes when you complete your workout is quite exhilarating! No wonder why mental health care providers often prescribe exercise to battle depression....those endorphins released can make miracles happen! So for those of you in a funk, like myself from time to time, get moving! It is a great release and a wonderful way to be beneficially selfish...actually one of the few ways, besides some other activities too private to mention on this blog! (HAHA) You don't have to be some amazing athlete to feel this amazing rush either....just an average person interested in battling the blues and being active will serve the purpose! Nothing like getting that blood flowing, that adrenaline racing, that spirit soaring...I'm telling you, it is SOOOOOOOOOOO worth the time and investment because the returns are enormous!

Returning to normalcy...whatever that means!

Well, the weekend is over; my son is doing well, and my life has returned to its normal state of crazy! I wanted it this way...the quicker I rebound, the better it is for my family and me! I am able to put away---file nice and neatly as a mere blip on the map of life-- all the drama and stress that surrounds my son's situation. Sounds great, right?! Well, I'm having second thoughts....don't know if this way of coping is simply a form of escapism...the only way I have to run from that fear filled reality....too afraid to really delve into an analysis of my mental state....Oh well! It is what it is and that's why I'm me.....some perceive it as strong, resilient, admirable...frankly, it is the only way I know to be.....when faced with crisis, I get to work...I keep busy...I keep social and active....I don't let my fears take over....but this time I've been taken over by a feeling that I didn't easily recognize as it doesn't often enter my life: ANGER! Yes, as I said before, I am angry about this reality! As my dear friend so eloquently pointed out, I am mourning myself....my former identity...my independence! I am angry that I will probably NEVER regain any of that former self, and my only hope for true happiness is coming to terms with this reality as I redefine myself.....
So the process must begin....I keep asking myself why the universe brought my special needs son into my life....was it to teach me more patience?...FOR SURE! Was it to teach me to surrender control? ...DEFINITELY....But I believe there's more....I am a very passionate, opinionated, intelligent woman....is my son's situation a tool for me to use to help redirect my focus...to give me a platform to use my voice, knowledge and experience...? I will examine these possibilities...I will draw from his strength and love to help clarify the situation....I will take a deep breath and think...not act right away, but think, feel, emote, express...allowing the process to flow through me...! I'm hopeful this will bring about more personal growth and result in a new, improved Naomi....STAY TUNED!

When life around you stops

Well, I got home about six hours ago, and I'm still numb. Thursday I went to get my son out of bed so that I could administer his medicine before I went to work, and I found him in the midst of a seizure! It had been 10 months since his last one, yet every time he has one it is unexpected and severe! Who knows when it started, but during the two hours that followed, my defenseless child endured nearly non-stop seizure activity. He received unimaginable amounts of medicine, a CAT scan, blood work, urine tests, a transfer to a different hospital (per my request), and an overnight stay as he was too drugged up to truly assess and release.
I was and am very ANGRY....frustrated that this reality exists for my family...my son suffers, my husband is in constant anguish, my daughter tormented by a situation that requires her constant patience and understanding at the mere age of 4! I have come to terms with having a special needs child...with his constant need for medications, natural healing, physical and occupational therapy...I have come to accept him for all he is, and I have hope in his possibilities...yet these episodes sink me every time....I try to fight it...I try to be strong...but I need to release my emotion!
Thank God for this blog! Right now, it is my very best outlet...a place where I can emote without affecting others instantly! I feel at times like I'm drowning...I so wanted to leave the hospital and come home, but now that I'm here, I just want to run away! I can't come home and download or even stop functioning for a day or two....I need and want to be here for my daughter...my husband...my son...but especially for myself...yet all that seems overwhelming when I am so emotionally, physically and psychologically exhausted!
When I use only my mind to analyze this situation I know that all I need is some rest and that tomorrow will be a better day, but right now, it's not my mind that is driving me! My heart aches....I know my son is ok and will be fine....I know that he has a bright future ahead of him...but the day-to-day right now is all a bit much! What I would give to wake up tomorrow with both of my children RUNNING around the house...SINGING together or even just engaged in a cute conversation....all far off dreams, that I know will come true, but right now I don't feel like waiting! I want the miracle NOW!
Alright...I needed that....I needed to say it, get it out of my system, so that I can refocus my energy to positive feelings and thoughts...hopefully that will come tomorrow after some much needed rest! Amazing that for two days the entire world stopped for me...no election euphoria...no economic crisis...no work or personal drama...just my son...demonstrating to me his strength and unwavering spirit...his ability to overcome all the obstacles that are in his path...! They say that children often speak the truth...well my son tells me with his eyes, his crooked smile and his laughter (that I can hear as I write this)....all will be OK! Tomorrow is a new day...

Yes, we can...

It's not that he's black....it's not that he embodies all I believe in...it's that his election by such a large majority...by such overwhelming diversity...white, black, Latino, young, old, gay, straight...gives me hope that this country is finally turning a corner! It's not going to change over night...it's not going to all of a sudden create a harmonious dwelling, but in some way, (even if all of this reflects a plan designed by an elite group to use his figure as a means to control the masses), people now have taken their political voice seriously! I saw children at the polls...my 4 year old voted in school....there were lines that wrapped around buildings....I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS BEFORE!

People have been engaged in political discourse....in some degree the American consciousness has been awakened...no longer are people feeling comfortable with being complacent...and that, if nothing else, gives me HOPE! No matter who had been victorious, we witnessed this population speaking with its vote....that is why I believe WE CAN....

Obama mobilized YOUNG people and engaged them in a way that has created a new movement in America....sometimes it's unsettling...a bit cult like...but that blind devotion to a cause that supports diversity and social consciousness is not all bad! Let's put out in the universe the greatness that can come from these results...let's leave behind our cynicism and feelings of despair...let's try and generate feelings of hope and renewed spirit! I always tell people that we get what we put out there....no more apparent than last night! This country, especially the YOUTH, put out feelings of hope, change and optimism...let's give that a chance! Let's not be the voice of negativity...the ones that only anticipate strife and social unrest due to these election results!
I admit...I am usually a conspiracy theorist...one that never takes things for face value...but how much of what happens is a direct result of the negative thoughts generated by people like me? I am going to purposefully try to believe in the positives that this change will bring...for our country...for future generations...for our reputation on the world scene.....
Do you realize the message sent last night? America from many perspectives outside of this country has been viewed for over 30 years as a place full of complacent citizens that take no interest in politics...even Clinton did not win with sweeping majorities.....As a country we spoke very clearly last night to the world audience...we DO care...we DO participate...we DO have intelligent citizens in this country....we CAN become real stakeholders in the realities of this WORLD...we have regained dignity and respect in the eyes of many, and that is undeniably POSITIVE!
OK, Obama...let's get to work!

No Antibiotics for ME!

Well, as most anyone who has talked to me in the last couple of weeks knows, my family has been somewhat under the weather. The four of us have a game of bronchial ping-pong going on and right now the ball is on my side! I spent the weekend battling a slight fever and had a hard time breathing, but with some much needed rest and reduced levels of stress, I seem to be ready to hit the ball off the table for good! I feel better and more renewed, strong from the inside, and not just temporarily fooled into thinking I'm better due to the masking that medicine so often provides! NO ANTIBIOTICS for me! Those of you who like or want to take them...more power to you! But when you know, and truly believe, that your body is equipped to fight off disease and infection with rest and relaxation, assisted by natural healing like chiropractic adjustments, CS massages and some essential oils, then you realize that the antibiotic roller coaster is not worth getting on for any amount of time! Not to say that medicine does not have its place, but what's wrong with trying a natural approach first? You cannot believe the strange looks and often times outlandish comments I receive when I tell people that I do not take medicine as a first course of action....bad enough I'm a strong, independent, Arab woman, let alone someone who does not vaccinate her children or take antibiotics! I mean...can you imagine the threat?! It makes me laugh...so I laugh vigorously so that I don't scream or get upset! These people sometimes says things like, "well, you're going to get the rest of us sick!" or "I don't think you have the right to complain about your headache if you're not taking medicine...!" I don't pretend to tell them how to heal or how to address their needs...why are those of us who choose more natural approaches deemed to be strange, or shall I say, dangerous?! The idea is ridiculous...and I'm not even an expert as to the benefits of natural healing, but REALLY! Just from the libertarian approach of life...who is supposed to tell me how to take care of my body? I think the answer is JUST ME! Ok....let me get off this tangent before this entire entry because a ranting episode!
On a brighter note, we had a good Halloween. Both of my kids were adorable, my son as a ninja and my daughter as a medieval princess....too cute! Lots of good times with the family on Sunday and a possible business offer that could change the direction of my life yet again....a possible investor for a Spanish restaurant has come forward....now we just have to get down to business! Spent some of my evening yesterday researching business plans, etc. This is the universe opening up an opportunity for us, now we just have to pursue it!
Looking forward to a great day tomorrow! Today I saw a line 1 mile long outside of the Detroit City Clerk's office for people needing to cast their absentee ballot! Amazing...if nothing else I'm seeing that this election has reached many people otherwise disconnected from the political scene in this country...even if it is solely on the superficial level...it has to start somewhere! For years I worked and coordinated a civic literacy project helping to empower the voice of our youth...my mentor on this project worked many years to see a moment like I saw today outside of the clerk's office....all of this made me reflect on the state of our world...I can only hope that others do the same, especially when casting their ballots tomorrow! Hoping for the best possible results, for my family, for my friends, and for this world! Happy voting!

The cold is here!

Damn! October 30th and it's below 30! Not ready for that yet, but what can we do? Hot totties and good company help for sure! Anyone up for a date? Let me know when and I'll start mixing up the drinks! The week is going well despite the typical head colds and aches that the cold brings! Carved pumpkins last night with the family, talked to my brother in Senegal and watched a movie with my husband! Like I said, all is well...in disbelief that we're at the end of October already! Soon I'll be rambling about Thanksgiving recipes and plans for Christmas Eve! With the economy so bad, I don't know if we'll be as lavish as in years past, but you never know!

Well, since I don't have much to philosophize or bitch about today, I'll keep this entry short..who knows?! Maybe this afternoon will bring something juicy my way! I can only hope....:)

The REAL truth in 45 minutes!

It's amazing how much can be accomplished in a 45 minutes conversation, especially when it is between 2 people who understand one another and actually want to communicate...too often we talk with others who have no real interest in communication, but rather involve themselves in a basic exchange of information....ok, before I start to ramble, let me get to my point!
So I had lunch with my dear friend Spence, who is like a brother to me! We bullshit; we get serious, but mostly we laugh! Yesterday our conversation got a bit existential and Spence said something that really stuck with me...true love exists when you're not looking for your partner to complete you! Something that makes sense but that goes against the grain of popular culture...think Jerry McGuire..."you complete me..." Think about all those crazy love songs..."How can I live without you?..." The list can go on and on....
When you're a whole person and you fall in love it's because that other individual takes you to a higher level...lifts your spirits, in good times and bad! We were talking about past and present relationships and how the older we get the more complete individuals we become, free from definition by association...we're not who we are because we are the children of, the parents of, the partner of, etc. We are who WE are, and because of that, all of our relationships grow richer! Many might know this, but how many of us truly function under this premise? Could it be that most relationships fail because people look to define themselves by the relationship, or could it be that they are simply looking for that person to fill a need or void and when that happens, everything else begins to fall apart? I'm sure Spence and I don't have all the answers, but we like to amuse ourselves pretending like we do...at least for 45 minutes! There's something about those end of January aquarius people in my life! Glad I have you...you definitely lift me up! (Sorry for the sappiness, Steph! LOL)

Finding an outlet

So after having such a hard week at work, I was really looking forward to this weekend...I wanted to have fun, unwind and forget about all the DRAMA this week brought my way...perhaps that I sought out...but that's another topic....

ANYWAY...this morning presented me with the routine of my daughter's gymnastic and dance classes...a brief visit with a friend and then we headed down to my school for the annual Fall Festival....All was fine, but I reached home looking for some excitement, something to break from the ordinary and all I found was laundry, a sick son and husband, and a messy house! Not exactly what I had in mind! Too sick to go out...too broke to go shopping for no reason...too cold to finish up yard work by myself....so I just looked for every way possible to avoid housework. That didn't last too long, however, as I was quickly bored with You Tube and started on laundry, cleaning up the house, putting away unnecessary toys, etc. I found myself with energy that needed to be spent and not enough to keep my mind busy! Exercising just wasn't an option as I am feeling on the borderline of getting sick myself and did not want to push it...so long story short...I continued with my routine activities and here I am rambling about nothing in an attempt to give some meaning to this gloomy, fall day! Hopefully this cold season will bring lots of sunshine with it 'cause I need every ounce I can get! I must return to my exercise routine that I have recently fallen out of due to the demands of life...but no more excuses! Amidst my attempt to clean up today I finally found my "skinny" pictures that I have spent the last 4 months looking for (been wanting to use them as inspiration!)...funny part is that my husband breathed a sigh of relief and then laughed when I showed them to him....relief because my OCD will be satisfied for the day and laughter because the prospect of either one of us returning to our bodies of years past seems hilarious to him...WE'LL SEE! My friend Stephanie told me a few months ago that my energy and zest for life during the summer helped restart her journey to better health and body, so now I'm looking for her transformation to do the same for me! Send me some of those good vibrations, girl! I so desperately need them as the fall gloom descends on us here in MI!

Well, that's enough rambling for the day...think I'll retire to the living room to give my hubby the TLC he needs...hoping that the bright spot in my day is still to come....

Loving Michael and beyond

Life is funny sometimes....it definitely brings you challenges beyond belief, but then when you least expect it, a ray of sunshine comes beaming through and brightens your whole day...gives you some perspective and makes you realize that NOTHING is so important so as to keep you from smiling at least once daily. So yesterday was one of those days.....shit came at me from every angle....especially at work! I got it at the building level, the district level, and unfortunately even at the state level.....absolutely exhausting! It was also one of those days that I was just RUNNING non-stop! Even at Naji's therapy I fielded at lest 5 calls on both my personal and work cell phones...the day just wouldn't stop...and then it happened! The sunshine came beaming in and blinded me! After some good laughs with people on the phone and the group of therapists who see Naji, a good friend revealed to me that she too loves Michael...Thriller to be more precise...and it didn't stop there! We went on to talk about the Violent Femmes, the Cure, the Rocky Horror Picture Show...and we laughed...and we laughed... and we laughed...and that was great! The sunshine didn't stop there though....I got home to a phenomenal meal....great company and an understanding husband! Like I said...when you least expect it...that sunshine just comes barreling in! I love it! It warms me from the inside out and there's no better feeling in this world! :)

Looking for the bright side!

So yesterday I talked about seeking out the positives, and believe me, today I tried my hardest to do that but seemed to encounter intense emotions at every turn! Emotions of anger, hurt, disbelief, sadness, and random moments of joy here and there! Work presented MANY challenges today, including a possible problem with our school regarding testing issues! Lunch with one of my dearest friends was intense as we spoke about our connection, his struggle processing his mom's recent passing, and our anxieties about the current state of the world! Therapy for my son with Theresa and Kristin brought on many tears as I processed my feelings about his conference with them! Those tears, though, also brought on feelings of joy as I felt loved, supported and most importantly understood! Home also presented me with intensity as I conversed with my husband Felipe about my day and he shared with me his frustrations about his new job. My heart breaks for him as he truly feels unfulfilled by and unconnected to his students and teaching environment! He truly is one of my heroes...although we have our moments of conflict...his strength, determination, passion, and commitment to and for our family never ceases to amaze me! He has sacrificed so much for our collective happiness, but I fear he has lost himself in the process! I want nothing more than for him to be happy, but all I can do is support him on his journey....and be understanding of his struggles! So as I sit here writing this, I realize that this blog and my endless ranting is allowing me to process these emotions...to work through their intensity and to help me find that brighter side of life!

When I signed in to post my thoughts for today, I encountered a comment posted by Stephanie to one of my previous entries....reading her comment definitely brought out one of the brightest moments of my day! Although we've been friends for nearly 30 (that's right girl...30!) years, Stephanie has never meant as much to me as she has in the last 3 years! She has been there as a support for me when my life seemed to be falling apart, and I will forever hold her close in my heart! Thank you for your love, for your support and for making me laugh!

Well, I think I've processed enough for now....I want to go join my husband on the couch...let him know how much I love and appreciate him and all he brings to my life....that for sure will be the brightest moment of my day!

Focusing on the positive

Today has been quite trying and rather emotional! I've come to realize that most people can only function with HIGH levels of drama in their lives....so much energy lost on creating and maintaining conflicts...so little on positive actions and looking for the bright side of life! What a damn shame! Just think of what would happen if we all just tapped into more positive aspects of life...if we searched for potential instead of deficits..endless possibilities instead of endless limitations! Can you imagine a life where people smile more often than frown? It's hard to visualize in these times...given our world-wide economic and social strife...but a more nurturing and loving environment must be our end goal--our daily mission! We MUST put our energy to that end otherwise we are a hopeless cause as a species! Not to be dramatic or anything!

This problem in our world was never as apparent to me as it was today when I went to Parent Teacher conferences for my special needs child. His teachers and therapists did not ONCE mention any positives, any growth or any potential! All they could do was highlight all of his deficits, challenges and barriers! They see my son, who has made tremendous strides in the last 4 months (thanks to two AMAZING non-school based therapists--Kristin and Theresa), as a child who is lacking. Because of this, all they can see is what he can't do! Yet Kristin and Theresa, although very aware of his challenges, treat my son based on his potential....they see him for what he is---a beautiful soul that has nowhere to go but up! For this I am grateful....for their energy, for their belief in focusing on the positives...and for giving me hope that we are not all lost causes! When I think of his teachers and school therapists, I become angry that those people are able to transmit their pessimistic attitude and energy to my son; yet the comfort and hope offered to me by Kristin and Theresa cancel out those feelings so greatly that I CAN'T HELP BUT SMILE! Thanks ladies! Thanks for your attitude, your energy, your love for my son, and your support...you'll never know how much it fills my heart!

Learning to Feel

I must say I feel blessed today! Not only do I feel that my husband of almost 12 years and I have hit a new stride, but my friendships are blossoming in a way that also fill my heart with love! For the first time in a long while, I feel connected to many people--connected in a way that fills my spirit. I now go to sleep at night with a smile on my face--not only because I have touched others' lives, but because I have allowed myself to be reached as well. When we turn ourselves over to others in a complete way and become vulnerable to our feelings, we can truly reach a state of bliss. That level of connectivity is priceless! I care deeply for my family and my dear friends who offer me this ability to connect and, most importantly, to feel. I've come to realize recently as I have struggled with new challenges in life--finding balance in marriage, coping with a special needs child, nurturing my amazing daughter, and settling into new career paths for both myself and my husband--that life is meant to be felt. For so long I multi-tasked and micro-managed my life that I became well versed in subtracting emotion, especially when it got in the way of completing tasks. We must feel--happiness, anger, sadness, joy--whatever the feeling is we must allow it to run its course. We cannot deny ourselves this process, as all we achieve when we do are greater levels of frustration in nearly all aspects of life. I am happy today because I took the time to feel--to revel in each moment of happiness, joy, sadness, anxiety and satisfaction that I have experienced since the time I got out of bed this morning. From feeling appreciated at work and being greeted lovingly by my family to the incredibly intense moments of sadness and joy experienced in conversations with friends, I have allowed my emotions to enter my life, and I am a more complete person because of this. Hope you can learn to feel as I have because it is tremendously liberating and simply wonderful!

Just getting started...

Since so many of those I love have started their own blogs, I thought I'd join the ranks! I am a 34 year old woman who happens to also be a mother, wife, friend, and school principal. I used to define myself with a laundry list of accomplishments and what I offer to others, but I have recently begun to define myself through self-examination as a very unique, thoughtful, and sensitive woman that has a great deal to contributre to the universe. So, through this blog, I will attempt to share my insights, first as a strong woman, but also a a person who sees life through many perspectives. I hope that by sharing some of my own insights, others will find a connection, a possible outlet for their own self-examination. For it is only when we look within ourselves for peace and happiness that we are able to offer these gifts to the world!