I've realized over the last few days that part of my discontent lately stems from the lack of self-acceptance that broods in me daily. My last entry attempted to touch on this horrible practice, but there is a huge gap in my life between knowing what I should do to make things better and actually doing it. I would even go so far as to say that in this way I am not unlike so many that I know--great at giving out advice to others and horrible at applying it to our own circumstances. It is so much easier to reflect on others' issues, but most of the time we don't want to turn the looking glass onto ourselves for inner reflection. As I have said repeatedly, I have to take one day at a time and figure out life slowly---revel in the joys and learn from the challenges that enter my life daily. I say it, but I really need to DO it.
I had a bad bout with my OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) this weekend....lost a case for my work-issued phone and literally drove everyone around me crazy because I couldn't find it! I also couldn't function in a normal way AT ALL...so strung out about a damn phone case! Now I can look back and laugh at how ridiculous I was and how awful I become when this happens. I laugh because I really caused no true harm to anyone, and laughing is a better option than getting down on myself about this one personality trait that I have. The case is still missing, but oh well! If it doesn't turn up, I'll buy a new one and life will go on! The whole experience showed me, yet again, how I need to laugh at myself more and not take myself so seriously all the time! So I've been able to squeeze a positive out of that otherwise negative situation, and really, that's what we all need to try to do on a regular basis...spin that shit around so that it works for us and helps us grow!
I've been struggling with myself, however, for quite a long time about my constant state of unrest...always looking for the next best thing...never truly satisfied with what I have before me! Sometimes this is good because it pushes me to excel, but most of the times it creates deep feelings of inadequacy for myself, in my marriage, with my kids, etc. I do give thanks on a daily basis, but lately I feel that I need to find some other way to appreciate all I have...maybe time away from it all would help give me perspective...not to mention a well-needed rest, yet, I know that true change will only happen when I reach that state of contentment with my life circumstances as they are...when I stop hoping for something more...something better! I've said it in previous entries...what I have is pretty great, now I just need to allow myself to enjoy it all...
I truly believe that my most recent OCD attack happened to send me the "slow down" message that life makes sure gets to me at least quarterly.
I know it may seem that I vacillate from entry to entry on this blog between feelings of optimism and feelings of despair...and, actually that's pretty much what is happening because of this internal unrest I constantly battle! I realize that life is a daily journey and that we all have to work arduously to make each day its very best! I know this, I know this, I know this...now I just have to believe it...believe it...believe it....
When talking the other day with a friend, the statement "well, we all have to find our own path on which to travel..." came out in our conversation...soooooooo true it is, but like I said to her..."some of us are still on the path of discovery, hoping to find that one road that leads to our happiness--with potholes, detours, and everything else that comes along the way!" All I can say to all of you is GOOD LUCK on finding your path, because I'm still searching for mine, and the curving, winding road I'm on now is very challenging!
No comments:
Post a Comment