Yesterday was my birthday---a day filled with joy, tears, fear and lots of self-pity...overall just an OK day...not great, not exhilarating...not fun! I've decided that I should start celebrating my 1/2 birthday...July 6th, instead of my real birthday...you know, it's summer; I could host an outside party; I could dance all night and get my groove on! You see the problem with Jan. 6th is that everyone is exhausted, upset about returning to work, and not wanting to get together as they have just spent the holiday season doing so! But all that aside...the real problem is me...
I do not look forward to my birthday! My dad died on the night of my 9th birthday, so every birthday since then I just want the day to be over before any other tragedy hits. I know that may seem ridiculous or irrational...but it's at the core of why I don't like my birthday! So I spend each year trying to put on a good face...happy, grateful for all the outpouring of love and affection, but inside I feel like shit! Every "Happy Birthday" just reminds me of how I want to the day to just end..."let me make it through; let me end this day!" Once the 7th arrives, I feel much better---safe in a sense that I made it through one more day without tragedy!
These feelings have always been there, but resurfaced a few years back when Najib was born...15 days after my birthday...the same day my niece was born...the same year my father died! Last year around this time, I had to go to the hospital with Najib (a few days before his birthday), and I confronted these feelings of tragedy! I made a conscious decision that day to CHANGE my life and attitude! Since then I have tried to be healthier, happier and more positive, but even with all my efforts, I crashed yesterday! I know that's ok...to have a day or two when you're off, but it simply sucks to have that day be my birthday EVERY YEAR! I can't change the fact that my dad died that day....I can't help but remember all the grief associated with that event...all the guilt I've had to deal with because I was grateful for his passing...it made our lives easier...lifted some burden from all our shoulders...especially from my mom! I only knew a sick dad...one with a very severe and short temper, and when he was gone I was able to live rather peacefully...no more arguments...no more fights....at least for awhile! So each birthday I had to deal with grief and guilt from his loss! Still working on working that out!
The other issue about my birthday is that it's never MY day...you see the 6th of January is 3 Kings day, and it's the day we celebrate gifts for everyone in my house! I love the tradition, but the focus, especially after having kids, is always on everyone else....Now I know this sound incredibly childish and selfish...but I want and believe I deserve a day for ME...to be happy...to be celebrated... to CELEBRATE myself! I mean, come on, between my dad's death and 3 Kings day...my birthday is not about me at all! I feel for those born on other holidays as well because they must go through similar shit!
Now, people in my life who love and care for me go out of their way to make it about me...but inside I'm feeling all my shit and can't even truly appreciate their efforts...which then brings on feelings of guilt about not being more grateful for what I do have! Damn that Catholic guilt...gets you every time!
So I return to my theory of celebrating my 1/2 birthday...a day removed from all these feelings, removed from the holiday, removed from my personal drama! It will be a day of nothing but fun! I'm going to seriously think about it! This year I'll spend it in China...but next year I will party away! Hope all of you who care can make it!
About Me
- Na
- I am a social being that is happiest when surrounded by friends and family! I love to sit and chat for hours, and I never give up on a true friendship!
3 comments:
SO there is much to say about this, my best friend in the fourth grade, but I will keep it short here. We are gonna talk for hours about this. Wonderful that you opened up about this. 100% that is what is at the core of those feelings. It is not irrational or unusual. Completely normal and expected wya the psyche protects itself. I lve tht you talked about it, though. It wiil bring lots of healing to you and your family, even if you never speak of it out loud to each other. Alright, I am supposed to kep it short...Half birthday celebration sounds brilliant, but you wil contend with the 4th of July at that time...pick well and enjoy! I love being an Auarian adn would never change that, but would loooove a summer birthday party as well!!!! Do it! I love you. Amazing how the 4th grade shaped us both so strongly. Can't wait to mull it over with you.
Great post... I love you! Grief, loss, and guilt is a process that continues through-out our life span. It is something we cope with... not... get over, it is something we get through... not... get past. You are amazing and strong you deserve a day that is completely baggage free. I totally support the 1/2 b-day celebration! Lol, I want one too you stole my "date" but again I love you!
I found your blog again...and had to comment on this post - go straight for the 1/2 birthday, and don't look back! July is always a good time for parties. And, as a person who was unable to celebrate ANY of our families' birthdays on the actual date last year due to breast cancer, (consult on Bill's, infection on Katie's, chemo on mine, 3-day on Nathan's...) - we learned that a great birthday celebration can be had on ANY day of the year. So let the day go and celebrate you when you can really celebrate. I'm positive you have so many people who will agree with this!
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