New vs. Old

I am truly grateful for everyone' s overwhelming generosity! This past Sunday we had our first fundraiser for Najib, and we had a great turn out. We earned double of what we anticipated, so I hope our next events are just as successful! Thank you to everyone for your support and your love. Please know that your actions have helped renewed my outlook on the human spirit...

I have been quite busy this past month which resulted in my inability to sit quietly and do some blog entries; a bit disappointing for me, especially at moments when I so wanted to share my thoughts and feelings. I have run the gamut of emotions during this absence, and I wouldn't even know where to begin in attempting to transmit my experiences.

Events are coming and going at a spectacular rate...so fast actually that I don't think I can truly appreciate their impact on me. I am juggling work (conferences, budget, staffing, discipline, curriculum, etc.), home (care of my children, coordination of meds/therapies/appointments for Najib, grocery shopping, bills, taxes, Kinder registration for Soraya, travel plans, visas and passports for China, etc), and myself (working out, staying healthy, staying balanced, etc). Wow...just writing it and not even listing all of it makes me realizes how much I am carrying! No wonder I can't seem to shed a pound....the amount of stress that my body endures coupled with my lack of rest has made my efforts to exercise and stay healthy futile! By far, the most challenging part to all of this has been the staying balanced....

Some may wonder why I carry so much (now that's a topic that could take at least 10 blogs to even scratch the surface)...and to be honest I struggle with this as well. As a strong, efficient and very capable woman, being a task master is what I often designate myself to be.....allowing no time for reflection and processing...no wonder why I am utterly exhausted!

"Learn to delegate; ask others to step up; take time for yourself;"--all phrases I hear endlessly. I have made tremendous strides since Najib entered my life in terms of ceding control...asking for help...letting go of perfection....I am willing to let others take the lead...but with all of that came some other realizations! Up until that point in my life when I learned to step back, I had made decisions about my career and in my personal life that always set me up to be the leader...someone to depend on...someone who is NEEDED! This came from my deep need to feel wanted, desired, admired, respected....I can now look back and see why I chose this job, why I chose my partner, why I chose my lifestyle, but as I grow older and as I realize what I truly value in life, I realize that I've grown and changed!

I am comfortable in my skin....I like who I am...I know that I am valuable...I know that I am loved by many without condition...so I no longer have that need to feel NEEDED! I am ready and willing to relinquish control...to lighten my load... to not "carry" everyone around me...but right now I feel that due to my past choices my options are limited! I cannot change those around me to be different...to be more independent...to have more initiative...to want to partner with me! The most I can do is to try to learn how to cope with the new me in relation to the world I have created for myself without letting feelings of anger and resentment build!

So I will leave off now...feeling that this entry has helped me put into writing what I have been struggling with for many months now...coming to terms with change and the impact that it can have on sooooooooooooo much!