How a little bit of light can change everything!

So after weeks of bitter cold and gray skies, yesterday we finally saw the sun...and not just for a minute or two, but for the WHOLE day! Not only that, but the temperature actually reached a balmy 40 degrees! In the matter of one day, I have seen and felt a shift in the atmosphere. People are holding their heads high, smiling, joking, laughing. All it took was a slight break from the dreary Michigan weather, and people started acting like spring was around the corner...you know that light-heated, happy feeling that you get when the flowers start to bloom? Well, no flowers here, and we're expecting only 16 degrees for the high on Wednesday, but this short-lived break from the sub-human standards of cold and gloom has allowed many of us to start the week on an up-beat note! That said, I wanted to do an entry today about another bright aspect of my life...my son, Najib.

Najib gave me a great present yesterday. In addition to having a "good" day without a lot of pain and struggle, he gave me something that I think the sunshine brought about as well. (The light affects everyone's disposition!). Najib actually hugged me yesterday...not accidentally either. It was a true, purposeful hug around my neck-- a sign of affection that has left me glowing from the inside out. You see, when you have a child with special needs, few are the moments of real connection, deep understanding, and that certain notion of complicity, but yesterday all of those things came in the form of a hug--a hug...so simple a gesture...so profound the effects!

I am currently in the midst of planning a number of fundraisers for my son. We are taking a trip to China this summer to get him 5 stem cell transplants in the hopes of improving his quality of life. Although very excited and anxious for the trip, I have been a bit tentative lately about the risks and idea of subjecting my son to aggressive procedures. But after that hug, after feeling his arms reach around me to demonstrate his affection, I must say that my anxiety began to melt away! The possibility of these injections working and giving him the ability to be more purposeful in all he does just overwhelms me with hope.

Many people raise one eyebrow when I tell them what we are planning..."China?" they ask..."stem cells...does that procedure kill babies?" they think, but I simply tell them that when someone offers you hope to help your child, there is no limit for your actions. Yes, China. It is far away; we don't speak the language; the country has a bevy of challenges; yet it also has amazing resources and some of the best, cutting-edge medicine around! And no, these stem cells do NOT kill babies. They are taken from umbilical cords at birth, donated to science to help doctors and researchers help others....something that in this country is experimental...controversial...and deemed "unethical" by many! (go to http://www.stemcellschina.com/ for more information about the REAL story and many miracles underway in CHINA)

So, off we go this summer to China, with lots of excitement, some level of anxiety, but most importantly, with boundless amounts hope that our son, our ray of sunshine, can live a full, long, meaningful life.

Full Circle

I've been struggling recently, on both the personal and professional fronts, but I feel blessesd to have a strong circle of support that helps me through those rough times. I am one that believes that everything comes full circle in life and this weekend I had some of those full circle moments.

3 of my "pillars"---those that listen, love, and guide me daily--were going through their own moments of struggle, discontent and strife. Individually each one of them turned to me this weekend for an ear, a shoulder, some advise, some understanding...basically what I refer to as gestures of true friendship! I was there for them, as they are for me, and that ability to stand strong for them, to give back to them what they offer to me--unconditional support--has left me feeling more whole than I have felt in quite some time!

Too many relationships are one-sided...at work, people "need" me to lead them---make those tough decisions, take the hits, etc....; at home people "need" me to manage the house, take care of the shopping, bills, kids, etc...and often times appreciation is an implied after-thought...; then there are those relationships that allow me to vent, share, emote, but never allow me to reciprocate that support...and those relationships have left me feeling somewhat conflicted lately, wondering if friendship actually exists between us or is it that these people simply feel somehow required to be there for me...obligated to demostrate concern in my issues and problems because of some other vested interest on their part....

Well, it has been these 3 pillars who have offered true friendship to me---an EXCHANGE of love, support, criticism, humor, tears, etc... For only when a relationship is TWO-sided can it be fulfilling in the truest way....a person needs to feel supported, but also needs to feel wanted, and desired by others...not just one or the other is enough for a healthy relationship to exist...you know the kind that lifts you up and helps you grow...the kind you turn to for laughs and for hugs...the kind that will last through crisis and success...the kind that I cherish so dearly!

So...to my 3 pillars...2 of whom happen to be born the same day...thank you...thank you...thank you...! Your friendship means more than you'll ever know!

A little help goes a long way!

I never imagined that the events of one week, all rooted in a simple gesture, could cause such change! Guess that seems like a silly thought given the state of the world in which we all live, but I had never experienced it so closely in my life outside of the death of a loved one...

What I'm getting at is how amazed I am by the outpouring of generosity that I have witnessed after being caught up in a media storm that ensued from I letter I sent home at work! I'm not going to get into any details...(just Google my name and you can read all about it)...but I have experienced the true human spirit at work... truth and justice overcoming deceit and cover ups, wrongs being righted, those that love and support me coming out in my defense, an outpouring of donations from around the country....I could go on, but in short, I must say that this week has been very humbling! The demonstration of strength and solidarity of the human spirit in moments of needs is remarkable!

All this assistance comes at a time when I am processing a bevy of emotions related to self-doubt...am I a good mom, wife, person, leader, human being? It helps to see, hear and feel all the support as I go through these feelings....it helps to reassure me....it helps to know others see me in a positive light! I've been deflecting these feelings of self-doubt onto many of my relationships, but I know that it's all part of the process...all part of me working out my junk!

So...this past week has been intense to say the least, but it draws to a close , much like this blog entry, with lessons learned, identities re-assured, and hopes for a better day....

A new day!

Yesterday was my birthday---a day filled with joy, tears, fear and lots of self-pity...overall just an OK day...not great, not exhilarating...not fun! I've decided that I should start celebrating my 1/2 birthday...July 6th, instead of my real birthday...you know, it's summer; I could host an outside party; I could dance all night and get my groove on! You see the problem with Jan. 6th is that everyone is exhausted, upset about returning to work, and not wanting to get together as they have just spent the holiday season doing so! But all that aside...the real problem is me...
I do not look forward to my birthday! My dad died on the night of my 9th birthday, so every birthday since then I just want the day to be over before any other tragedy hits. I know that may seem ridiculous or irrational...but it's at the core of why I don't like my birthday! So I spend each year trying to put on a good face...happy, grateful for all the outpouring of love and affection, but inside I feel like shit! Every "Happy Birthday" just reminds me of how I want to the day to just end..."let me make it through; let me end this day!" Once the 7th arrives, I feel much better---safe in a sense that I made it through one more day without tragedy!
These feelings have always been there, but resurfaced a few years back when Najib was born...15 days after my birthday...the same day my niece was born...the same year my father died! Last year around this time, I had to go to the hospital with Najib (a few days before his birthday), and I confronted these feelings of tragedy! I made a conscious decision that day to CHANGE my life and attitude! Since then I have tried to be healthier, happier and more positive, but even with all my efforts, I crashed yesterday! I know that's ok...to have a day or two when you're off, but it simply sucks to have that day be my birthday EVERY YEAR! I can't change the fact that my dad died that day....I can't help but remember all the grief associated with that event...all the guilt I've had to deal with because I was grateful for his passing...it made our lives easier...lifted some burden from all our shoulders...especially from my mom! I only knew a sick dad...one with a very severe and short temper, and when he was gone I was able to live rather peacefully...no more arguments...no more fights....at least for awhile! So each birthday I had to deal with grief and guilt from his loss! Still working on working that out!
The other issue about my birthday is that it's never MY day...you see the 6th of January is 3 Kings day, and it's the day we celebrate gifts for everyone in my house! I love the tradition, but the focus, especially after having kids, is always on everyone else....Now I know this sound incredibly childish and selfish...but I want and believe I deserve a day for ME...to be happy...to be celebrated... to CELEBRATE myself! I mean, come on, between my dad's death and 3 Kings day...my birthday is not about me at all! I feel for those born on other holidays as well because they must go through similar shit!
Now, people in my life who love and care for me go out of their way to make it about me...but inside I'm feeling all my shit and can't even truly appreciate their efforts...which then brings on feelings of guilt about not being more grateful for what I do have! Damn that Catholic guilt...gets you every time!
So I return to my theory of celebrating my 1/2 birthday...a day removed from all these feelings, removed from the holiday, removed from my personal drama! It will be a day of nothing but fun! I'm going to seriously think about it! This year I'll spend it in China...but next year I will party away! Hope all of you who care can make it!

Speaking from the heart!

Tomorrow I will turn 35...the age I always thought of as being truly "grown up"...you know when I was a kid, my friends' moms were "35"...they were married, settled, complete...or so it appeared...but somehow I think I got it all wrong! I don't know if any of us are truly ever "grown up"...you know...totally stable, grounded, mature in our thoughts and actions, true to ourselves, true to those we love, etc... As I approach this birthday I'm thinking about myself in these terms...am I grown up...mature...complete? HELL NO...but I've realized that I don't think I'll ever reach that state of mind, heart and soul! I do believe my integrity is intact..I do believe I am everyday more certain of myself, my relationships, my life...but I think, NOW, that being "grown up" means realizing that you are human; you are flawed; you like being in the "process" of growing more than any final product...at least that's what works for me!

Pajama days

So now that I've been on vacation for over 1 week, I must say that life is so much more enjoyable when it can be lived at a relaxed pace! Although prepping for Christmas Eve was a lot of work, I've enjoyed my time at home, with my husband and kids....all of whom happen to be in decent moods as they are relaxed as well! I've also enjoyed the ability to DO NOTHING and not feel guilty about it! Today is the second day on vacation that I have spent all of my time in pajamas....lounging, doing a load or two of laundry, playing with my children, LAUGHING with my husband, catching up with old friends (FACEBOOK IS AMAZINGLY SURREAL!), reading, and even getting romantic...imagine that...happiness in life thanks to some much needed time off! Rest is by far one of the most undervalued commodities in life, yet it is such a necessity! We all run at such a crazed pace in our daily routines, that when we get time to truly disconnect, not obey schedules, and find the time for EVERYTHING, it helps to put into perspective how indispensable rest is for all of us!
I realize that at times, I, like many others, fear time off, fear rest, fear relaxation because so much free time forces us to stop and be with ourselves...it offers us the opportunity to see ourselves for who we are, what we like, how we function...and that, for many, is too much to handle at times, so we just keep running, avoiding rest, avoiding time off, avoiding relaxation! Scary thought, but oh so true!
I'm relieved that with this break and my time off, I've come to see myself as a person I like...someone who I want to be...no longer wishing I was someone else, or living some other life! I admit that there are times when I would like a re-do or the ability to change some realities, but at this point in time, I am happy with my existence....I am happy with life! Hopefully come January 5th, I'll be able to ride this wave of contentment for awhile as I resume my crazed pace!

Peace...a true wonder!

Well it's been 2 weeks since I last did an entry, but as all of you know the holiday season is VERY busy! Last Friday I received the first of many great gifts that this season has brought me thus far when there was such a large snow storm that the last day of school before Christmas vacation was canceled! Nothing like a long break to renew the spirit, get such much needed rest, and spend some quality time with friends and family! Up until that day I had been running from one spot to the next trying to make sure I was keeping up with life...Christmas recitals, therapy, gifts for staff, teachers, etc. Last Friday brought my life to a screeching halt as there was so much snow we didn't even leave the house! It was like being thrown into a lake without knowing how to swim...I was forced to relax...it was very peaceful! Saturday we had some of our dearest friends over for our first "game night" and had a great deal of fun, and Sunday I spent the day preparing for my brother's surprise arrival from Senegal for the holidays....like I said I've received some great gifts so far! Today I spent the day relaxed at home baking, visiting with my brother, having a drink with a friend and then finally stepping out to shop for our Christmas Eve feast! I feel genuinely happy at this point in time! I got a great email about purging all that is no longer needed in my life and it really hit home. The last couple days I have experienced many moments of joy and my spirit feels at ease...truly peaceful! It is such a sublime feeling that it has made me think about holding onto it so that when those moments of anger and frustration come my way, as they inevitably will, I can remember how wonderful I am feeling right now. I sadly must say that this feeling is too rare in my life and that my New Year's resolution is to make it a more frequent occurrence. I consider myself blessed to know what peace feels like, especially in these times of such uncertainty, but I must remember that it is I who can control how peaceful my daily life is--it is I who can tune out the stress, the drama, and the daily attacks on my inner peace!
I must say that I am looking forward to the next 2 weeks as I will have the opportunity to truly spread my wings and enjoy life for a bit! I am rather bummed out that some of what I had planned will have to wait since my "Steph" won't be here, but nevertheless, I am determined to make the most of my time. Life is way too short to dwell on what isn't...we have to focus on what is and come to peace with it...revel in it and enjoy life to its fullest!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! I love each and every person who has touched my life and helped me become who I am, but I am especially grateful to those of you I hold dear in my heart....you know who you are! Join me during these specials days in trying to find your own inner peace and give thanks for that feeling of bliss!