Figuring out life one day at a time

I've realized over the last few days that part of my discontent lately stems from the lack of self-acceptance that broods in me daily. My last entry attempted to touch on this horrible practice, but there is a huge gap in my life between knowing what I should do to make things better and actually doing it. I would even go so far as to say that in this way I am not unlike so many that I know--great at giving out advice to others and horrible at applying it to our own circumstances. It is so much easier to reflect on others' issues, but most of the time we don't want to turn the looking glass onto ourselves for inner reflection. As I have said repeatedly, I have to take one day at a time and figure out life slowly---revel in the joys and learn from the challenges that enter my life daily. I say it, but I really need to DO it.

I had a bad bout with my OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) this weekend....lost a case for my work-issued phone and literally drove everyone around me crazy because I couldn't find it! I also couldn't function in a normal way AT ALL...so strung out about a damn phone case! Now I can look back and laugh at how ridiculous I was and how awful I become when this happens. I laugh because I really caused no true harm to anyone, and laughing is a better option than getting down on myself about this one personality trait that I have. The case is still missing, but oh well! If it doesn't turn up, I'll buy a new one and life will go on! The whole experience showed me, yet again, how I need to laugh at myself more and not take myself so seriously all the time! So I've been able to squeeze a positive out of that otherwise negative situation, and really, that's what we all need to try to do on a regular basis...spin that shit around so that it works for us and helps us grow!

I've been struggling with myself, however, for quite a long time about my constant state of unrest...always looking for the next best thing...never truly satisfied with what I have before me! Sometimes this is good because it pushes me to excel, but most of the times it creates deep feelings of inadequacy for myself, in my marriage, with my kids, etc. I do give thanks on a daily basis, but lately I feel that I need to find some other way to appreciate all I have...maybe time away from it all would help give me perspective...not to mention a well-needed rest, yet, I know that true change will only happen when I reach that state of contentment with my life circumstances as they are...when I stop hoping for something more...something better! I've said it in previous entries...what I have is pretty great, now I just need to allow myself to enjoy it all...

I truly believe that my most recent OCD attack happened to send me the "slow down" message that life makes sure gets to me at least quarterly.

I know it may seem that I vacillate from entry to entry on this blog between feelings of optimism and feelings of despair...and, actually that's pretty much what is happening because of this internal unrest I constantly battle! I realize that life is a daily journey and that we all have to work arduously to make each day its very best! I know this, I know this, I know this...now I just have to believe it...believe it...believe it....

When talking the other day with a friend, the statement "well, we all have to find our own path on which to travel..." came out in our conversation...soooooooo true it is, but like I said to her..."some of us are still on the path of discovery, hoping to find that one road that leads to our happiness--with potholes, detours, and everything else that comes along the way!" All I can say to all of you is GOOD LUCK on finding your path, because I'm still searching for mine, and the curving, winding road I'm on now is very challenging!

Battling our own demons

Ladies, have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and found 1,000 things wrong? Or how about looking into that same mirror and saying, "yeah, not so bad!" Well I'm sure that if you are like me, more often than not you've reacted in the first way....finding things wrong that no one else sees! The problem is that we don't only do it for our outside flaws, but for our inside ones as well! Most women are very critical of themselves and are truly their own worst enemies. I know there are about 1 million reasons why we are like this...(battling throughout history and across most cultures to be considered, recognized, and exalted for the strength we do possess-being a MAJOR one!)...but we really do need to stop tearing ourselves down! We all know that most men do not have this problem...they have other ones...but most men look in that mirror and see themselves both inside and out and say, "hey, not too shabby!" There is a lesson to learn in their self-esteem, even when in some cases it is their way to overcompensate for larger CHARACTER flaws! Most men do not tear each other down the way we do; they do not get hung up on whether or not they're too fat, thin, short, tall, etc. They do not over-analyze everything they say, do, think, etc.

Now I'm not saying we should be just like them...I LIKE being emotional, insightful, sensitive, aware, understanding, etc...but I do think I, like many other women, need to learn to be more accepting of myself...more willing to just say, "ok, I am who I am and I'm going to live life regardless of my mishaps or missteps!" I wake up everyday and try to avoid the mirror not wanting to see myself with all the extra weight; I whined for days about my haircut a few weeks back; and I'm always being tough on myself for not being a better mom, wife, friend, etc...and MOST of my female friends do the same thing...they beat themselves up and hold on to guilt, hold on to hurt, hold on to disappointment...but, enough is enough! We need to give up this very unhealthy and unproductive practice, ladies! We need some more self-lovin'...(and some of us would feel much better if we got some other kind of lovin' too-haha)!

Yesterday I had two separate conversations with two different and very dear friends who were going through moments of frustration, self-doubt, anxiety, etc....Their issues made me think about my own and about this whole topic, and I just have to get something off my chest!

To those of my DEAR female friends who are reading this, I just want to say...I LOVE YOU...everything about you...your craziness..your quirkiness...your wild ways...your fears...your anxieties...your insecurities...the whole package! Don't change! Let's stand together and say we are who we are...let's celebrate it...all of it without regrets, realizing our past---everything about it--has helped us become the wonderful women we are today! Let's start the new year with a promise to love ourselves more and to be grateful EVERY day for who we are! And remember...when all else may seem lost, we have each other...FOREVER!

Light/Dark; Strong/Weak

Ok, I need to start this entry prefacing the fact that I just came from one of my Monday lunches with Spence, and our conversations sometimes get pretty intense! He said two things that really stuck out to me...obvious, but so true!
1) The strong cannot and should not pretend to be weak to make the weak feel stronger, and 2) light and dark cannot exist in the same space---these opposites simply do not mesh. Like I said, obvious, but profoundly deep! How many of us find ourselves in relationships where we sacrifice our spirit for the sake of making the other person feel better about themselves? Some of us experience this at work, at home, with friends, etc., but so few are willing to break the cycle of dependency that this situation creates. So many continue to dim their internal lights from shining brightly when they find themselves beside someone who insists on functioning in the dark. Like I said in previous entries...I cannot live in the dark and my light has to shine brightly because the dimmer switch is broken! I realize that we all are in different phases of life...different seasons as Spence said...but I will no longer let someone's dreary Michigan winter affect my sunny Hawaiian summer! (ha ha)

That's not to say that it doesn't rain once in awhile for me, but I prefer a forecast of sun than one of overcast skies....a horizon open to possibilities, rather than a dark shadow casting off hope! Rather philosophical for a Monday morning after a holiday break, don't you think? Well, I tell ya...these lunches are filling, even if we're not eating all that much! The great dialogue coupled with the fact that I enjoyed a long weekend with lots of laughter, relaxation, and good family time helps with the joyful disposition on a day like today when most people are dragging and bitching about being back to work! I feel renewed and extremely blessed to have such insightful people in my life..they help me take stock every so often and appreciate all I have! At this point, I want to focus my energy on enjoying the present...the holidays around the corner, fun gatherings with friends and family, only 3 weeks of school left before a real vacation (the first I've had since April)....with so much in front of me at this time, I have no energy left to worry about what might be...what could happen...what needs to get done...I just plan to take each moment as it comes (at least based on my perspective today!) and enjoy each one for what it is!

Read the following and reflect...goes well with these thoughts!

The Invitation—Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Taking a moment to breathe!

Yesterday I was out of commission as I received a visit from my long lost friend, Señor Stomach Flu! It had been two years almost to the day that I had last seen my friend, and I must say I would have not minded never seen him again! By far the stomach flu is the WORST! Constant trips to the bathroom...paying homage to the porcelain god without having some crazy story of debauchery to go along with it is no fun at all! Today, needless to say, I have returned to a healthier state...still a bit weak, but back to life as normal...work, therapy, home, kids, chores, etc! But during my down time yesterday...when my head hurt too much to read and watching lots of TV was out of the question...(too many food commercials and cooking shows due to the holidays)...I spent a great deal of time thinking and reflecting on life...in general, but also on mine specifically.
I took stock of all my blessings...a wonderful family, great friends, a good job...and then I asked myself...why do I bitch so much? There are soooooooo many people suffering right now....the economy is hit, jobs are disappearing, depression and crime are on the rise, relationships are ending all around me, yet life still goes on for all of these people. With the holidays around the corner, I took my down time to think about all I have to be grateful for, and I realized that my blessings far out way my burdens. This led me to thinking that the concept of "giving thanks" really needs to be daily...just like Oprah, the Secret, and soooooooo many others have been talking about for years! If we just took 5 minutes every day to journal, reflect or even verbally express those things we're thankful for, our daily burdens would seem so much lighter!

I'm thankful for my amazing mother who is truly the most selfless person I know. That selflessness had been a tremendous source of support, but in turn has taught me how important it is in life to be selfish...to never forget or lose yourself when serving others...which unfortunately is what she has done too many times....

I am thankful for my husband and two children...our life together has been very trying, yet has also led me down the road of personal and emotional growth...Steph pointed out to me the other day that it is amazing all these great people I have found in my life as of late....so true, and I must say that my family circumstances have guided me to these people, to their support, insight, and love...

I'm thankful for my brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, etc...All of their different points of view and life experiences help me become a stronger, more well-rounded individual...and each one of them has had a part in my formation...

I'm thankful for my career which has also allowed me to meet and network with great diversity, and has even allowed me to form some spectacular relationships...some true friendships that will be with me for life!

I never thought that Señor Stomach flu would bring about such gratitude...but it just goes to show how even during the WORST moments, one can be enlightened!

Falling back into life!

So on Tuesday and Wednesday of this week I had a mini vacation...some time just to let loose and have fun...and now I have returned to the realities of my life! I am a very busy woman who holds many titles and fills many roles for many people...that's it...nothing complicated! That small bite of free spirited fun was delicious, but its aftertaste has left a little bitterness in my mouth!
Last night I felt so depressed I was nearly in tears...about what, you may ask? Well, not quite sure...could be hormonal, but more likely than not it was feeling like my mid week escapade left me desiring more...more free time...less schedules...less responsibilities...more time to just be crazy! I know it's normal and that I'm not the only mom or parent out there who wishes they could return to their pre-children lives, but I even began to question last night if getting out is smart for me because the return to normalcy is such a downer! It felt so great to party, come in at a late hour, not go to work, not care for kids, not cook or clean, not be a slave to a schedule, go to a movie, etc., that the return to routine life has left me feeling sooooooooo unfulfilled! Now I know that it is healthy to get out...wonderful to let loose once in awhile, but I was thinking...damn, I want this all the time! To hell with my wonderful, stable life....to hell with my career and family! (HAHA) But, really....when I truly think about this topic for a minute I become sad that daily life is so serious all the time...If we all just laughed a little more, the routine would be more bearable...hey, maybe even enjoyable! I'm not going to dwell too much on this because I recognize it for what it is...I do in fact like my life, but I must say spicing it up like I did this week was much needed....now I just have to find a way to do that more often!

Religulous

Well, yesterday after taking time to recuperate from my Madonna escapade, I met up with a friend to go see Bill Maher's documentary about religion, Religulous....It was great! Whether you're a fan or not, Bill Maher is genius and his talent for cynicsm, sarcasm and challenging long-known "truths" is remarkable! The basic premise is that religion and the blind faith associated with the big 3--Christianity, Judaism and Islam (not Ford, Chrysler and GM for those of you stuck on the auto industry mess)--is what sits at the root of most human conflict, and has done so for quite some time...um, let's say the past 2-3, 000 years?! The movie is comical, but most of the time I sat in disbelief and disgust at the people with whom Bill Maher talked....complete and utter idiots for the most part....the only saving grace was a veteran Vatican priest who recognized the whole scam that religion runs on people....great moment in the film!
Now, I don't mind people with faith---belief in a higher power or force that guides the actions of the universe! I respect them and their ability to choose and support their beliefs, in the hopes that they in turn respect me and my beliefs (even though my cynical side tells me that they probably pray for my soul's salvation--guess it can't hurt!). I even find myself jealous at times of those with blind faith because life is MUCH easier for them to deal with...much easier to keep blinders on than to see what the light brings in...ever hear of Plato and his cave theory? I actually did graduate work in this area and still refer to it frequently...those who live in a cave are generally happier, because they know no other reality...yet as soon as that light seeps in and their reality begins to change, they are no longer content with their existence in the cave...sort of how I feel..."The more I live the more I learn...the more I learn the more I realize the less I know!(Barbara in Yentl) Makes sense, right? Life offers me a bevy of experiences on a daily basis that inspire me to explore even more points of views, venues, cultures, etc. I can't live with the blinders on, or in the cave....good luck to those of you that choose to!
This is why I find myself, with every day that passes, more and more open, some would say liberal, some crazy! But I would not want it any other way! Aren't we here on this earth together...shouldn't we learn how to co-exist instead of how to dominate one another? Shouldn't we be offering more freedoms and equalities for all instead of limiting them with ridiculous political, economic and social policies?
I'm glad I have this blog because I can't express myself this way with most people in my life without causing major strife....So be it; this is after all JUST ME!

The long awaited Madonna concert

Since August when I purchased the tickets, I have been anxiously awaiting the big day...yesterday, November 18th! My first Madonna concert...and what an amazing experience it was! That woman does not have an ounce of body fat on her; her energy level is unfaltering; and her show's production is truly spectacular! After a very late start, Madonna took the stage and literally did not stop for 2 hours....neither did I, but my movement didn't even begin to mirror hers! I so thoroughly enjoyed the evening, that I had to take a personal day today from work just to recuperate...When I got up this morning, I still could feel the excessive amounts of alcohol that I ingested rushing through my system...like rapids on the Colorado river! It has been MANY years since I let loose like I did last night, and oh how wonderful it was! My husband and I pre-partied for 3 hours with a couple of friends, danced the whole concert long with a different pair of friends, and, simply stated, had a blast doing it! I have even discovered bruises on my legs this morning from all the banging against the seat backs in front of me that I must have got while dancing....crazy! I must say that I was a bit worried that the night might not measure up to my anticipation...but it truly did! I had so much fun that I've decided that I need to let go like that more often..."Getting into the groove" and partying with friends definitely helps battle that feeling of being stuck in the mommy role....So if you're feeling like that from time to time, turn on some music and let yourself go...tremendous release....(just don't ingest ridiculous amounts of alcohol....not so great the next day!)
One side note...we were somewhat disappointed in the people of Detroit and how they responded to such a great show....When the concert ended and she said goodnight....everyone just started to exit....no one screamed, yelled or demanded more....no one begged to hear Express Yourself or Deeper and Deeper...they simply got their coats and began to leave! I have NEVER been to a concert that did not have even ONE encore! REALLY? I couldn't believe it! Even symphony concerts have encores! What's that all about? Were people bored, tired, or just simply worried about getting home so that they could get up for work? I don't get it....it really bothered my husband who felt rather cheated out because the Detroit crowd was so boring! Whatever! I didn't let it get to me that deeply, but believe me that reaction confirmed my desire to leave this place even more....! I must stop now because my head is still spinning! Hoping that the good times keep rolling, I will go rest for the next round!