Paralyzed

Over the past few weeks my head has been turning so fast that I'm not quite sure where I'm at on what day! Work has had me VERY busy, and life in general seems to be advancing at a pace that is unreal....yet with all the appointments, trips, meetings, discussions, and activities I juggle on a daily basis, I feel absolutely paralyzed...

How is it possible to be crazy busy and simultaneously paralyzed? I'm not sure I have the answer, but I figure a lot has to do with OVERLOAD....I often feel like a mouse on a wheel...running and running, getting nowhere fast....For the record, I am NOT liking my current state in life...

That being said, I realize that much of my paralyzed state has to do with my inability to take action in my personal life....knowing what I want but feeling overwhelmed by the degree of change that my choices will bring. While I realize that the only way to change my reality is to BEGIN the process, I feel like I am standing before the Himalayas...with absolutely NO hiking gear...and the need to get to the other side....

I know I have done a tremendous amount of work over the last 3 years of my life...soul searching...digging for my truth...coming to terms with my choices in life thus far...but the levels of apprehension around my next steps are off the charts...I actually realize that my busy life is a way to avoid my own progress....if I'm so busy that I can barely keep up with myself, there is absolutely no way I can initiate major change in my life....I am very aware of this unhealthy behavior, but once again, the fear of what's next paralyzes me and stops my progress....

Not sure what to do about it all! It is not easy for me to NOT CONTROL my future...and while my son has helped me learn to have faith and trust that everything works out in the end, I struggle with applying this to decisions about my happiness....I trust and move on faith alone when I can predict results...but I cannot predict anything about my future given the changes I want to make.....so instead of doing anything....I sit paralyzed by fear....paralyzed, paralyzed, paralyzed...

The Greatest Inspirations of All

So after posting yesterday, I got to thinking about the inspirations in my life...they really do come in all shapes and sizes...but there are two that truly stand out to me--my children, Soraya and Najib. Each has helped me grow in ways I never thought possible, and in them I find more hope than anywhere else in my life.

Soraya is the light of my world..she can, like no other being on this earth, move me to laughter and tears within a matter of seconds...when I'm down, all I need is a glimpse at her beautiful eyes and dynamic smile and I quickly forget my ills. A hug from her brings me instant peace, and her laughter is contagious. Her wonderful spirit and love of life remind me to strive for the same in my own life...to focus on happiness and joy! She is simply spectacular, and I'm honored that I will be a witness to her life! It will be nothing less than amazing!

And then there is Najib. For many people, having a special needs child imposes great amounts of stress, heartache and struggles. I could not be farther from that reality...Najib is special alright, but he is special for all he offers to me simply by existing and living as he does...with the purest heart and most gentle spirit that I have ever encountered...

When he entered my life I began down a journey of discovery....discovery of the world around me...discovery of the strength of the human spirit...discovery of what unconditional love and support is all about....discovery of acceptance...let me say that again...discovery of acceptance...of knowing and loving all people for who they are...for where they're at...for where they want to be....and that discovery began with me...

Many parents of special needs children at some point participate in the pity-ridden, "why me" game....and unfortunately some never find their answer...they may blame others or themselves and this "pain" blinds them from all the gifts and benefits that having such a delicate creature in their lives can offer. I too played this game. For the first year of Najib's life I searched for reasons why, for the causes of his ills, for my possible failures, but I kept coming up empty handed. And all that time, with my energy focused on my "plight" I was not fully capable of appreciating Najib for what he did and does offer me. Then the day came when I simply held my beautiful son in my arms, and I saw him for all he is and all he can be. I saw hope and experienced inspiration like never before!

I know exactly WHY Najib came into my life...and I am SOOOOOO grateful for his arrival. Najib came to me to teach me...to help me grow. On a daily basis he reminds me to have a pure heart, to be grateful for all I possess--both material and spiritual riches, to be accepting of others, to never allow my limitations to stop my life from moving forward--to NEVER stop growing.

So, yes, as I said yesterday, inspirations abound, but all pale in comparison to those provided to me by Soraya and Najib...how lucky I am!

Inspirations abound

So much time has passed since my last entry that I cannot possibly begin to write about all that has transpired in my life, but I can offer some insight as to where I am at on my journey...

While I struggle with making sense of my personal life, I have gained such inspiration and hope from my work. I do admit that at times being a "change agent" and "fighter" for equity can be utterly exhausting, but it is such rewarding work. I cannot adequately articulate the satisfaction I derive from working to create deeper understanding about and respect for human ways...I truly feel blessed to FINALLY be dedicating so many hours to something that inspires me on personal and professional levels...

I am also extremely grateful for those people in my life who inspire me to continue on my own path of growth...those who encourage me to have the strength and fortitude necessary to confront difficult and often painful realities as a step towards greater happiness and peace...I love each and every one of you more than my meager words can express...

Lately, it's all about the inspirations that I encounter on a daily basis...those that propel me to examine my inner thoughts, feelings and desires....whether they manifest themselves in the gesture of a friend or co-worker, the words of a keynote speaker at a given conference, or the actions of others, these inspirations offer me hope and the ability to envision the day when I am living with my heart and mind in balance...when I can be true to myself in all of my life's facets, and thereby be the best possible me, JUST ME, for this world...

Processing

So for my birthday a few weeks ago 2 of my friends gifted me a session to have my astrological charts read. I made the appointment for today, and anticipated the session with equal amounts of excitement and nervousness. What did the planets, moons and stars have in store for me?????

Well now, just 3 hours after the session ended, I am feeling equally amazed and amused. You see....it's was not a reading to tell me my "fortune" or what may happen in my life in concrete terms, but rather a session that offered insight into the energies of the universe that work in my life. I enjoyed it tremendously and was quite tickled by how accurate some portions of the reading were......

But now I find myself processing all the information shared with me during that hour-long session....and believe me it was a lot!!! So much, in fact, that I feel a bit scattered at the moment...not able to truly concentrate or wrap my mind around all that was offered to me by the planets, moons and stars...

I neither place stock in nor discount all that was said, but I do wonder why so many people dismiss what the universe has to offer us through its energy and celestial bodies....I simply intend to keep processing in hopes that my "read" will shed even more light on the path that I follow in life....

processing....processing.....processing.....TO BE CONTINUED!

Loud & Clear

So for the past 3 years I have been big on the Law of Attraction...put out into the Universe what you want...envision it...believe it...feel it, and the Universe will take care of the details....you will attract to you what you most think about and desire.....

To that end, I have been purposeful in my intentions and have been very happy with how the Law of Attraction has worked in my life...but now the Universe seems to be SHOUTING at me...encouraging me to take action...to leave fears behind...to truly embrace my happiness and balance...to live life without fear....

Just here to say, "hey Universe...I hear you LOUD & CLEAR!"

...and the beat goes on....

So the other day at work, someone turned to me and asked if I knew anything about a colleague who had a stroke and has still not returned to work....I paused, responded that I had heard she was progressing, and then sighed....a big, loud sigh! This colleague was simply fine one day and gone the next...work kept going on; life here barely paused for her tragedy, and two months later her status seems like no more than an afterthought...SIGH...there it is again...the reality that the beat goes on with or without us really makes me ponder what life is all about....

I've been really transforming my life over the past couple of years, and I have heard countless times, when I have wondered out loud if my choices are correct ones, "life is short Naomi...you only live once Naomi..." and I can't tell you how those words resonated in my mind after pausing to respond about my colleague...

I love my new job, yet it doesn't consume me for I realize and place importance on ME and my life as much as I can...I can't say that was true when I worked in Detroit...my job often took a toll on the rest of my life...and especially on me...but that is no longer the case...I do all I do because I feel passionate about my work being a reflection of how I live my life...

I have, in fact, spent quite a bit of energy and effort over the last couple of years on making sure my life is about living every moment to its fullest...enjoying every day as much as I can, and placing my head on my pillow every night with as few regrets as possible...yet the pause in my response...and those RESONATING words really made me take stock once again....we only have this life to live ONCE...

I guess what I'm leading up to is that I feel I'm at another turning point in my life...at a point where I have to let those words resonate so I don't fall back into living simply by what's comfortable, more acceptable or easier for others....I have to stay focused on living MY life...being true to MYSELF...and making the most of every opportunity that comes my way if it is in line with my wants and desires...I don't want to be anyone else for anyone else except for who I am....life really is too short, and I can no longer live my life by what others hope for me or expect of me...

...I want the beat to go on....just need to follow the beat that resonates from inside of me..

Clarity...so in reach...

It's been quite a long time since I've entered anything on here. Most of you know that my summer was focused on China....a huge success...and settling into my new job....which is also fabulous! But today I have an overwhelming desire to write...to put my thoughts into words, perhaps in an attempt to gain more clarity about myself, my soul, my inner-most voice...

I feel like over the past couple of years I've been reeling....searching for answers...looking for the reasons "why"...I'm not sure I'm done searching, but I do feel that recently I've gained great clarity about who I am, and what I truly want in life....you'd think I might have had all that figured out as a married 35 year old woman with 2 kids...but that simply wasn't the case...

Life is truly a continuum of experiential learning...I don't think it was ever intended to be "figured out" completely....I think as healthy individuals we must intend to live and learn continuously...this is perhaps the greatest bit of clarity I have gained....gone are the notions that we should "settle in" and get comfy with life....when that happens we often die inside because we stop our growth continuum...I know I did...I stopped living and just functioned in what was a very secure, settled existence. But I have come to realize that my journey is nowhere near being over, and now I'm all about starting my life's momentum again...

Yet, I sit here writing this blog and feel simultaneously optimistic and sad...hopeful for brighter days ahead when I live fully and intentionally in all that I do...while also feeling a bit melancholy that many pieces of my life as it currently exists might in fact not be present in that future....it is a time of celebration and mourning....of laughter and tears....

I so want to share my journey...explain to those I love the most the answers I have found to my pursuit of "why" in so many aspects of my life...I am convinced that this self-expression is absolutely necessary for the momentum of my life to gain speed...to move along that continuum as I grow more and more each day...

I sincerely hope that soon I will gain the strength to do just that...to start taking those steps on the journey that lies ahead....a journey that will bring more clarity to me, my soul and my inner most voice with each passing day...