New vs. Old

I am truly grateful for everyone' s overwhelming generosity! This past Sunday we had our first fundraiser for Najib, and we had a great turn out. We earned double of what we anticipated, so I hope our next events are just as successful! Thank you to everyone for your support and your love. Please know that your actions have helped renewed my outlook on the human spirit...

I have been quite busy this past month which resulted in my inability to sit quietly and do some blog entries; a bit disappointing for me, especially at moments when I so wanted to share my thoughts and feelings. I have run the gamut of emotions during this absence, and I wouldn't even know where to begin in attempting to transmit my experiences.

Events are coming and going at a spectacular rate...so fast actually that I don't think I can truly appreciate their impact on me. I am juggling work (conferences, budget, staffing, discipline, curriculum, etc.), home (care of my children, coordination of meds/therapies/appointments for Najib, grocery shopping, bills, taxes, Kinder registration for Soraya, travel plans, visas and passports for China, etc), and myself (working out, staying healthy, staying balanced, etc). Wow...just writing it and not even listing all of it makes me realizes how much I am carrying! No wonder I can't seem to shed a pound....the amount of stress that my body endures coupled with my lack of rest has made my efforts to exercise and stay healthy futile! By far, the most challenging part to all of this has been the staying balanced....

Some may wonder why I carry so much (now that's a topic that could take at least 10 blogs to even scratch the surface)...and to be honest I struggle with this as well. As a strong, efficient and very capable woman, being a task master is what I often designate myself to be.....allowing no time for reflection and processing...no wonder why I am utterly exhausted!

"Learn to delegate; ask others to step up; take time for yourself;"--all phrases I hear endlessly. I have made tremendous strides since Najib entered my life in terms of ceding control...asking for help...letting go of perfection....I am willing to let others take the lead...but with all of that came some other realizations! Up until that point in my life when I learned to step back, I had made decisions about my career and in my personal life that always set me up to be the leader...someone to depend on...someone who is NEEDED! This came from my deep need to feel wanted, desired, admired, respected....I can now look back and see why I chose this job, why I chose my partner, why I chose my lifestyle, but as I grow older and as I realize what I truly value in life, I realize that I've grown and changed!

I am comfortable in my skin....I like who I am...I know that I am valuable...I know that I am loved by many without condition...so I no longer have that need to feel NEEDED! I am ready and willing to relinquish control...to lighten my load... to not "carry" everyone around me...but right now I feel that due to my past choices my options are limited! I cannot change those around me to be different...to be more independent...to have more initiative...to want to partner with me! The most I can do is to try to learn how to cope with the new me in relation to the world I have created for myself without letting feelings of anger and resentment build!

So I will leave off now...feeling that this entry has helped me put into writing what I have been struggling with for many months now...coming to terms with change and the impact that it can have on sooooooooooooo much!

Ready, set, action!

I have realized that the offer "to help" is one of those things that many practice, but few follow up on with action. Over the course of the last week, all sorts of offers of help have come my way related to fundraising efforts for my son. I've received suggestions, ideas, ways to make the fundraisers better/more profitable, etc... but very few have actually followed through on my request to act. "You should do this" ; "let me know how I can help"; "maybe if you tried this..."! Once again, all very "helpful", but these suggestions seem to put all the work back on me. I have resorted to the polite response of, "Oh, that's a great idea! Why don't you look into that and let me know!"

I realize some people TRULY want to help and simply don't know how to do so, but due to my own time issues, I struggle with how to direct these people more effectively. I make suggestions as to what they can do that I think need no further directions: "Well, go hunt down some donations for the silent auction!"; "Network with your circles to drum up interest!"; "Tell others about our efforts and give them information about how to donate!" Yet even with these suggestions I receive: "Well, I'm not sure if I can..."; "Maybe if you called it would mean more..." ; or "Well, I wanted to make sure it would be ok to ..."

YES, it's ok....YES....call, write, promote!

I realize people don't want to step on my toes, and I do know that I need to be "in" on what's happening regarding all fundraising efforts, but at this point, I am looking for true "DOERS!" Those who receive direction and then move on it, simply checking in with me to give me updates on progress. You want to do a bowling fundrasier...ok...DO IT! You want to put the flier in the church bulletin...ok, DO IT! Once we talk and I say that's a great idea...move on it! I need that help. I'm looking for more than the offer to "help"...I want commitment to "act!" I am a person of my word and when I offer "to help" and am given direction to do so, I act. I guess I foolishly expect that in return! Far too many people just go through the motions to appear supportive, polite, concerned...but now is the time I need to see the efforts...I need to feel the commitment...

That said, I am truly grateful to my family and friends that have begun to "act." They have called, networked, promoted, etc. For all of you I am very grateful! And to those of you who have simply moved forward and begun to act on my behalf for Najib's benefit without looking for any recognition, I'd like to say thank you for "doing."

I've talked or at least eluded to some of what is behind this issue for me in previous blogs. I crave AUTHENTICITY in my life! If you say you're a friend, be one! If you say stop by whenever you want, don't be shocked if I come knocking on your door, and if you say you want to help, then as NIKE would put it, JUST DO IT!

How a little bit of light can change everything!

So after weeks of bitter cold and gray skies, yesterday we finally saw the sun...and not just for a minute or two, but for the WHOLE day! Not only that, but the temperature actually reached a balmy 40 degrees! In the matter of one day, I have seen and felt a shift in the atmosphere. People are holding their heads high, smiling, joking, laughing. All it took was a slight break from the dreary Michigan weather, and people started acting like spring was around the corner...you know that light-heated, happy feeling that you get when the flowers start to bloom? Well, no flowers here, and we're expecting only 16 degrees for the high on Wednesday, but this short-lived break from the sub-human standards of cold and gloom has allowed many of us to start the week on an up-beat note! That said, I wanted to do an entry today about another bright aspect of my life...my son, Najib.

Najib gave me a great present yesterday. In addition to having a "good" day without a lot of pain and struggle, he gave me something that I think the sunshine brought about as well. (The light affects everyone's disposition!). Najib actually hugged me yesterday...not accidentally either. It was a true, purposeful hug around my neck-- a sign of affection that has left me glowing from the inside out. You see, when you have a child with special needs, few are the moments of real connection, deep understanding, and that certain notion of complicity, but yesterday all of those things came in the form of a hug--a hug...so simple a gesture...so profound the effects!

I am currently in the midst of planning a number of fundraisers for my son. We are taking a trip to China this summer to get him 5 stem cell transplants in the hopes of improving his quality of life. Although very excited and anxious for the trip, I have been a bit tentative lately about the risks and idea of subjecting my son to aggressive procedures. But after that hug, after feeling his arms reach around me to demonstrate his affection, I must say that my anxiety began to melt away! The possibility of these injections working and giving him the ability to be more purposeful in all he does just overwhelms me with hope.

Many people raise one eyebrow when I tell them what we are planning..."China?" they ask..."stem cells...does that procedure kill babies?" they think, but I simply tell them that when someone offers you hope to help your child, there is no limit for your actions. Yes, China. It is far away; we don't speak the language; the country has a bevy of challenges; yet it also has amazing resources and some of the best, cutting-edge medicine around! And no, these stem cells do NOT kill babies. They are taken from umbilical cords at birth, donated to science to help doctors and researchers help others....something that in this country is experimental...controversial...and deemed "unethical" by many! (go to http://www.stemcellschina.com/ for more information about the REAL story and many miracles underway in CHINA)

So, off we go this summer to China, with lots of excitement, some level of anxiety, but most importantly, with boundless amounts hope that our son, our ray of sunshine, can live a full, long, meaningful life.

Full Circle

I've been struggling recently, on both the personal and professional fronts, but I feel blessesd to have a strong circle of support that helps me through those rough times. I am one that believes that everything comes full circle in life and this weekend I had some of those full circle moments.

3 of my "pillars"---those that listen, love, and guide me daily--were going through their own moments of struggle, discontent and strife. Individually each one of them turned to me this weekend for an ear, a shoulder, some advise, some understanding...basically what I refer to as gestures of true friendship! I was there for them, as they are for me, and that ability to stand strong for them, to give back to them what they offer to me--unconditional support--has left me feeling more whole than I have felt in quite some time!

Too many relationships are one-sided...at work, people "need" me to lead them---make those tough decisions, take the hits, etc....; at home people "need" me to manage the house, take care of the shopping, bills, kids, etc...and often times appreciation is an implied after-thought...; then there are those relationships that allow me to vent, share, emote, but never allow me to reciprocate that support...and those relationships have left me feeling somewhat conflicted lately, wondering if friendship actually exists between us or is it that these people simply feel somehow required to be there for me...obligated to demostrate concern in my issues and problems because of some other vested interest on their part....

Well, it has been these 3 pillars who have offered true friendship to me---an EXCHANGE of love, support, criticism, humor, tears, etc... For only when a relationship is TWO-sided can it be fulfilling in the truest way....a person needs to feel supported, but also needs to feel wanted, and desired by others...not just one or the other is enough for a healthy relationship to exist...you know the kind that lifts you up and helps you grow...the kind you turn to for laughs and for hugs...the kind that will last through crisis and success...the kind that I cherish so dearly!

So...to my 3 pillars...2 of whom happen to be born the same day...thank you...thank you...thank you...! Your friendship means more than you'll ever know!

A little help goes a long way!

I never imagined that the events of one week, all rooted in a simple gesture, could cause such change! Guess that seems like a silly thought given the state of the world in which we all live, but I had never experienced it so closely in my life outside of the death of a loved one...

What I'm getting at is how amazed I am by the outpouring of generosity that I have witnessed after being caught up in a media storm that ensued from I letter I sent home at work! I'm not going to get into any details...(just Google my name and you can read all about it)...but I have experienced the true human spirit at work... truth and justice overcoming deceit and cover ups, wrongs being righted, those that love and support me coming out in my defense, an outpouring of donations from around the country....I could go on, but in short, I must say that this week has been very humbling! The demonstration of strength and solidarity of the human spirit in moments of needs is remarkable!

All this assistance comes at a time when I am processing a bevy of emotions related to self-doubt...am I a good mom, wife, person, leader, human being? It helps to see, hear and feel all the support as I go through these feelings....it helps to reassure me....it helps to know others see me in a positive light! I've been deflecting these feelings of self-doubt onto many of my relationships, but I know that it's all part of the process...all part of me working out my junk!

So...this past week has been intense to say the least, but it draws to a close , much like this blog entry, with lessons learned, identities re-assured, and hopes for a better day....

A new day!

Yesterday was my birthday---a day filled with joy, tears, fear and lots of self-pity...overall just an OK day...not great, not exhilarating...not fun! I've decided that I should start celebrating my 1/2 birthday...July 6th, instead of my real birthday...you know, it's summer; I could host an outside party; I could dance all night and get my groove on! You see the problem with Jan. 6th is that everyone is exhausted, upset about returning to work, and not wanting to get together as they have just spent the holiday season doing so! But all that aside...the real problem is me...
I do not look forward to my birthday! My dad died on the night of my 9th birthday, so every birthday since then I just want the day to be over before any other tragedy hits. I know that may seem ridiculous or irrational...but it's at the core of why I don't like my birthday! So I spend each year trying to put on a good face...happy, grateful for all the outpouring of love and affection, but inside I feel like shit! Every "Happy Birthday" just reminds me of how I want to the day to just end..."let me make it through; let me end this day!" Once the 7th arrives, I feel much better---safe in a sense that I made it through one more day without tragedy!
These feelings have always been there, but resurfaced a few years back when Najib was born...15 days after my birthday...the same day my niece was born...the same year my father died! Last year around this time, I had to go to the hospital with Najib (a few days before his birthday), and I confronted these feelings of tragedy! I made a conscious decision that day to CHANGE my life and attitude! Since then I have tried to be healthier, happier and more positive, but even with all my efforts, I crashed yesterday! I know that's ok...to have a day or two when you're off, but it simply sucks to have that day be my birthday EVERY YEAR! I can't change the fact that my dad died that day....I can't help but remember all the grief associated with that event...all the guilt I've had to deal with because I was grateful for his passing...it made our lives easier...lifted some burden from all our shoulders...especially from my mom! I only knew a sick dad...one with a very severe and short temper, and when he was gone I was able to live rather peacefully...no more arguments...no more fights....at least for awhile! So each birthday I had to deal with grief and guilt from his loss! Still working on working that out!
The other issue about my birthday is that it's never MY day...you see the 6th of January is 3 Kings day, and it's the day we celebrate gifts for everyone in my house! I love the tradition, but the focus, especially after having kids, is always on everyone else....Now I know this sound incredibly childish and selfish...but I want and believe I deserve a day for ME...to be happy...to be celebrated... to CELEBRATE myself! I mean, come on, between my dad's death and 3 Kings day...my birthday is not about me at all! I feel for those born on other holidays as well because they must go through similar shit!
Now, people in my life who love and care for me go out of their way to make it about me...but inside I'm feeling all my shit and can't even truly appreciate their efforts...which then brings on feelings of guilt about not being more grateful for what I do have! Damn that Catholic guilt...gets you every time!
So I return to my theory of celebrating my 1/2 birthday...a day removed from all these feelings, removed from the holiday, removed from my personal drama! It will be a day of nothing but fun! I'm going to seriously think about it! This year I'll spend it in China...but next year I will party away! Hope all of you who care can make it!

Speaking from the heart!

Tomorrow I will turn 35...the age I always thought of as being truly "grown up"...you know when I was a kid, my friends' moms were "35"...they were married, settled, complete...or so it appeared...but somehow I think I got it all wrong! I don't know if any of us are truly ever "grown up"...you know...totally stable, grounded, mature in our thoughts and actions, true to ourselves, true to those we love, etc... As I approach this birthday I'm thinking about myself in these terms...am I grown up...mature...complete? HELL NO...but I've realized that I don't think I'll ever reach that state of mind, heart and soul! I do believe my integrity is intact..I do believe I am everyday more certain of myself, my relationships, my life...but I think, NOW, that being "grown up" means realizing that you are human; you are flawed; you like being in the "process" of growing more than any final product...at least that's what works for me!